1. “Deal with it yourself.”

This story out of Albuquerque happened late in June and is still outraging the living fuck out of people.

After 17-year-old Jaydon Chavez-Silver got shot at a party, his friend Esperanza Quintero desperately called 911. She told him she was performing CPR on him “as we speak” and that he was “barely” breathing. For unknown reasons, dispatcher Matthew Sanchez asks yet again whether Chavez-Silver was breathing:

SANCHEZ: Is he breathing?
QUINTERO: He’s barely breathing. How many times do I have to fucking tell you?
SANCHEZ: OK, you know what ma’am? You could deal with it yourself. I’m not gonna deal with this, OK?
QUINTERO: No, my friend is dying—

Sanchez cut her off by hanging up. Chavez-Silver died within minutes. After audio of the 911 call was released, Sanchez resigned.

2. “Quit crying.”

In 2014 when a sobbing 20-year-old rape victim in Columbus, OH dialed 911 to report her assault, the dispatcher asked her to describe the perpetrator:

VICTIM: Small male white boy, with a white shirt. [crying] Immediately arrest him. I’m nervous.
DISPATCHER: Ma’am, you’re gonna have to quit crying so I can get the information from you.

Truly the height of rudeness, n’est-ce pas?

3. “Stop whining.”

Earlier this year when a 13-year-old Maryland girl called 911 to report that her father had been struck in a hit-and-run and was dying on the ground, the dispatcher told her to “stop whining.” The girl’s father died and the dispatcher has ceased dispatching.

4. “If he shoots you, ma’am, call back and give us that information.”

Tonya Harvey of Memphis rang 911 one morning in May last year to report that a truck had run her off the highway. She called back three minutes later wondering why the police had yet to show up:

HARVEY: He drove me off the road. He pulled on my door trying to get in my car and beat on my window. I am afraid. Where are the police?
DISPATCHER: You called three minutes ago.
HARVEY: I understand that, but what if he shoots me? Then what?
DISPATCHER: If he shoots you, ma’am, call back in and give us that information.

Harvey was not shot, so we’ll never know if she’d have been able to muster the strength to call 911 again while bleeding to death.

5. “I really just don’t give a shit what happens to you.”

In 2008 when Nashville resident Sheila Jones frantically dialed 911 to report that her ex-boyfriend had a knife and was breaking in her house, no one answered at first. She called again, only to be informed that they were busy answering a more urgent call when she called the first time. Two full goddamned hours later, she called back to report she was still in danger. The male operator told her, “I really just don’t give a shit what happens to you.” He was fired.

6. Operator falls asleep during call about possible burglary.

This happened in the wonderfully torn-up town of Memphis, TN in 2009. When a woman dialed 911 to report that someone was tapping on her window, the male operator fell asleep—and then began snoring. We expect this sort of callousness out in the corporate world, but this is clearly unacceptable and problematic behavior for any public-sector employee.

7. Operator giggles after mental patient calls to report stabbing.

In 2013 a Brooklyn mental patient stabbed his girlfriend to death. Before he called 911, his therapist had already called police to report the murder. In a recording made shortly after the call, the female dispatcher is heard laughing about the fact that the man wasn’t sure whether it had actually happened or if it was a hallucination. She also passed along faulty information to the police that led to the victim’s corpse rotting in a basement for several days.

8. Tucson dispatcher laughs when man calls to report his girlfriend is on fire.

After Tucson resident Lalo Delgado‘s girlfriend caught on fire as a result of his car bursting into flames, he made a desperate call to 911. Apparently this greatly amused the female dispatcher and her associates.

DISPATCHER: Is your girlfriend still on fire?
DELGADO: No.
DISPATCHER: (laughter in background)
 OK. (chuckles) Umm…is your vehicle still on fire?
DELGADO: It’s hilarious huh?
DISPATCHER: Sir, is your vehicle still on fire?
DELGADO: I just heard you smirk… (inaudible)
DISPATCHER: OK, sir it wasn’t regarding that, OK.
DELGADO: Yeah, I just heard you laugh.

Help arrived soon, but Delgado later said he found the dispatcher’s giggling to be “very disturbing.”

9. “This is a prank. I’m terminating the call.”

Back in February, Detroit resident Jerome Fowlkes had his son call 911 after his wife suddenly ceased breathing. He grabbed the phone from his son’s hand in the middle of the call and asked how to perform CPR. He says at that point, the operator said, “This is a prank. I’m terminating the call,” and then hung up. Fowlkes drove his wife to the hospital in time to save her life.

10. Denver dispatcher tells caller to return to the scene of a road-rage incident, where he promptly gets murdered.

This story isn’t “rude” so much as it is…negligently homicidal? Early one morning in April 2012 when Sudanese refugee Jimma Reat called 911 to report a road-rage incident, the dispatcher told him to return to the scene. He said he feared returning to the scene, but the dispatcher was insistent. So Reat returned to the scene—where he was shot to death.

I once saw a cartoon that said the difference between a mystic and a psychotic is that a mystic knows when to shut the hell up. It’s like that old adage about it being better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you’re a fool than to open it and remove all doubt—if you had a vision of Jesus where he hands you his foreskin and tells you it’s your wedding ring, you’d better zip your lip about it or everyone will think you’re fucking crazy.

Or at least that’s what most people would think these days in this increasingly secular society where psychologists have replaced priests as the go-to person for those suffering from inner turmoil. What used to be known as “visions” are now called “hallucinations,” and most of antiquity’s so-called “mystics” would likely be reclassified as “schizophrenics.”

The Catholic Church considers all of the following saints to have been mystics, but I’m going to call bullshit until the Holy Spirit comes sailing down before my very eyes on a golden beam of light to correct me.

1. Jesus appeared to her in a vision and gave her a wedding ring made of his foreskin.

St. Catherine of Siena (1347-80) is one of a few saints on this list who claimed to have the stigmata, which are Christ’s crucifixion wounds revisited onto the bodies of his most rabidly devoted followers. In Catherine’s case the wounds were invisible, so you pretty much had to take her word for it. But just to prove that she was no slouch, she wore sackcloth and would whip herself three times daily.

Her first vision of Christ came at around age five, but it wasn’t until she was 21 that Jesus showed up with a gift that would probably fetch $1 trillion on eBay today—his divine foreskin, which he presented to her as a wedding ring. She then agreed to a “Mystical Marriage” with Christ but was prudent enough to refrain from describing his boudoir skills.

2. He had bleeding crucifixion wounds—for fifty straight years.

St. Padre Pio, AKA St. Pio of Pietrelcina, would likely be considered a masochist nowadays, for he once wrote that the “perfect Christian” must punish his own body to such a degree that he “must make sure that it hurts.”

While hearing confessions one day in 1918, he says that crucifixion wounds suddenly appeared in the same five locations where Jesus was wounded—hands, feet, and his chest. These wounds—which were allegedly examined and confirmed by several doctors—bled for a half-century until his death. The blood that flowed freely from them was said to smell like flowers—this was known as “the odor of sanctity.” But to me it smells like “batshit crazy.”

3. He sat on a goddamned pillar in the desert for 37 straight years.

Saint Simeon Stylites the Elder is not to be confused with Simeon Stylites the Younger, Simeon Stylites III, nor Simeon Stylites of Lesbos. As a teenage Jesus freak, this Syrian ascetic was so extreme in his self-deprivation, he was asked to leave the monastery. He then cloistered himself in a hut for a year and a half and gained renown for refusing to eat or drink anything during the entire season of Lent. He also gained fans as a result of this, so he climbed up onto a nine-foot pillar in the desert to escape the persistent advice-seekers. For the next 37 years he lived on a small platform atop the pillar. He lived on goat milk and bread brought to him by local boys who’d ascend the pillar. Over the years subsequent pillars became taller and taller. Simon died in 459AD at the top of a fifty-foot pillar.

His story was immortalized in the 1965 film Simon of the Desert by surrealist genius Luis Buñuel.

4. A group of demons beat the shit out of him in a desert cave.

St. Anthony the Great was an Egyptian Christian monk who first wandered into the desert wilderness in his late teens around the year 270 AD, only to be endlessly harassed by Satan and his hired demon-thugs. Satan quickly started tempting him with plates of silver and gold, as well as visions of naked women. He also appeared before Anthony in the form of snakes, scorpions, lions, and wolves.

One day the Devil, driven into a rage by Anthony’s world-class, take-no-prisoners holiness, beat Anthony unconscious. Friends found him and carried him to a local church. On another occasion, friends showed up inside his desert cave to find him beaten unconscious yet again, this time by a whole posse of demons. They at first thought he was dead and started carrying away his corpse but as the story goes he suddenly came back to life and returned to the cave, where a brief flash of miraculous light sent the demons a-runnin’. Obviously a man can get very lonely out in a desert cave.

5. While she was praying, God put her in hell—presumably just to be a dick.

St. Theresa of Avila (1515-1582) suffered the misfortune of having her prayer sessions repeatedly interrupted by Satan and visions of hell:

Once, while approaching to receive Communion, I saw with my soul’s eyes more clearly than with my bodily eyes two devils whose appearance was abominable. It seems to me their horns were wrapped around the poor priest’s throat.

Another time while deep in prayer, she suddenly found to her dismay that God had sent her to hell:

I suddenly found that, without knowing how, I had seemingly been put in hell….The entrance seemed to be by a long narrow pass, like a furnace, very low, dark, and close. The ground seemed to be saturated with water, mere mud, exceedingly foul, sending forth pestilential odors, and covered with loathsome vermin….Left in that pestilential place, and utterly without the power to hope for comfort, I could neither sit nor lie down: there was no room. I was placed as it were in a hole in the wall; and those walls, terrible to look on of themselves, hemmed me in on every side. I could not breathe. There was no light, but all was thick darkness.

Alrighty, then. Best to swipe left on that one, guys!

6. She both cut and burned the name of Jesus into her chest.

St. Margaret Mary was, like, totally into Jesus. Imagine her as Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and Jesus as Michael Douglas. She was that into him. She did the Catholic saint’s version of getting a dude’s name tattooed on your boob—on different occasions, she carved Jesus’s name onto her breast and also burned his name onto her holy bosom. Margaret Mary & Jesus 4EVA!

7. She had “crown of thorns”-style wounds scattered around her head.

St. Rose of Lima has been referred to as “possibly the most masochistic of the female saints.” Her parents named her in honor her rosy cheeks. But when she became an adult and kept trying to prove her faith by harming herself, she was wont to rub pepper and lye on those rosy cheeks of hers. She lived on a diet of stale bread, bitter herbs, and water. Unlike other saints who receive stigmata on the hands, feet, and chest, she allegedly developed wounds around her head, which she interpreted to be a gift of a crown of thorns. She once described the process:

During their development, I feel them active. The impression is that of a hair being tightly pressed against the skin and boring a hole, as a small hand tool would do.

This was back in the 17th century, so there was no such thing as Seroquel.

8. He loved animals. He also talked to them.

Full disclosure: I was raised Catholic, and at age eight I chose “Francis” as my confirmation name in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, who not only loved animals, he also wrote the eminently wise Serenity Prayer. But he also is credited with uttering this gem of metaphysical masochism:

Humiliation is the way to humility and without humility, nothing is pleasing to God.

As part of his ongoing program of worship-through-self-humiliation, he would go on extensive fasts, wear a hairshirt, and whip himself. One day in the year 1224, he also received stigmata on his hands.

He would also “converse” with animals and birds. He referred to his own body as if it were an animal, calling it “Brother Ass.” He would also roll around in the snow to punish himself. In short, he was one nutty monk.

9. Jesus appeared to her in a vision and plunged his cross into her heart.

St. Clare of Montefalco (c. 1268-1308) was a nun, which is a term used for women who take a vow of chastity and thus don’t get none.

One day, who should show up to her in a vision but Jesus himself, weary from lugging that frickin’ cross around. She offered to help him carry it, at which point he plunged it into her heart, causing tremendous pain. Legend has it that after her death, a tiny crucifix was found in her heart. She also reportedly had three gallstones, which true believers interpreted as a sign of the Holy Trinity.

10. She swapped hearts with Jesus.

The Dutch vixen known as Saint Lutgardis of Aywières (1182-1246) was allegedly able to levitate, which makes me jealous because I’ve failed every time I’ve tried. She also was said to drip blood from her forehead while in the midst of religious ecstasy. One day while Jesus was visiting after he’d granted her a wish that would enable her to speak Latin, he reached into her chest, removed her heart, and put his in its place. He then hid her heart in his chest.

That is soooooo fucking romantic. It’s like wearing one another’s T-shirts after sex!

1. “The Westfield Watcher.”

[The home] was been the subject of my family for decades…I have be [sic] put in charge of watching and waiting for its second coming…My grandfather watched the house in the 1920s and my father watched it in the 1960s. It is now my time…Why are you here? I will find out…Now that they have to flaunt it, they pay the price…Tsk, tsk, tsk…bad move. You don’t want to make 657 Boulevard unhappy.…Do you need to fill the house with the young blood I requested?…Once I know their names I will call them and draw them too [sic] me….I asked the woods to bring me young blood.

Have they found what is in the walls yet?…In time they will…I am pleased to know your names now and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.…It will help me to know who is in which bedroom then I can plan better….All of the windows and doors in 657 Boulevard allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house….Who am I? I am the Watcher and have been in control of 657 Boulevard for the better part of two decades now….You have changed it and made it so fancy….It cries for the past and what used to be in the time when I roamed its halls…When I ran from room to room imagining the life with the rich occupants there.…And now I watch watch and wait for the day when they [sic] young blood will be mine again.

2. “IF YOU ARE A GIRL AND HAVE A PITBULL TERRIER, STOP!”

IF YOU ARE A GIRL AND HAVE A PITBULL TERRIER, STOP!

This message is for a certain young lady who owns multiple pitbull terriers, so if this not you, cease reading.

I see you nearly every lunch hour of mine in here. You seem to have 3-4 dogs, two black ones, and a brindle, along with a mongrel I am not as of yet familiar with. Perhaps it belongs to your friend.

Yesterday, you were in here with a friend, with a brown dog and the mongrel. Everytime that I see you coming, I want to approach you and introduce myself. Instead, I find myself overcome by shyness and jumping off the trail, and watching you from afar. But yesterday, I slipped up and almost came out to say hello, but thought better of it. I was too close and you could smell my cologne. I was close enough to hear you ask your friend if she smelt cologne, and I watched you stop and smell the air. You reminded me of a tiny fox the way you lifted your face and scented the air. I know that your dog seen [sic] me because the hair on its back stood up. I watched you grab you dog before he could bolt into the woods, thankfully for me as it is a very big dog.

I am very impressed every time I see you in the woods. You seem to realize when you are being watched, but perhaps your very large, aggressive looking dogs, plus the bear spray and the concealed knife I know that you carry, give you a sense of security. However, you obviously have sharp senses, as every time that you stop and look around yourself, I feel as if I am almost caught.

I just wanted to tell you that I think you are very beautiful and have a beautiful body. I do not intend for this message to scare you, as it shouldn’t. I only hope that one day I am courageous enough to come out and say hello. I realize that other people who read this may find it “creepy,” but you seem to be smart enough to know the difference, and frankly it is noone [sic] else [sic] business.

3. “Philly’s Hottest Blonde” threatened by man who lives with his mommy.

I HOPE YOU DIE IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT AND CRUSHES YOUR UGLY FACE THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD AND A LARGE PIECE OF GLASS CUTS YOUR THROAT

YOU JUST PISSED ME OFF/ / / / I WILL FUCKIN’ KILL YOU/ / / / / DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?????????…I WARNED YOU BEFORE ABOUT DOING THIS AND WILL CONTINUE MY WRATH UNTIL YOU STEP DOWN AS A MODEL GO BACK TO COLLEGE AND MOVE BACK NEAR YOUR FAMILY IN PHILLY

4. “To Miss Whitney Houston: Please, Keep Smiling.”

To Miss Whitney Houston

Miss Whitney, you are a beautiful lady and a beautiful person. I really and truly am in love with you. Please believe in life and in love and trust in yourself, and in your friends and trust in god.

Miss Whitney, you are a special person with a wonderful gift. Please keep singing and helping people to be happy, but most of all, Miss Whitney, Please Keep Smiling.

…

To Miss Whitney Houston

Miss Whitney, you are just so pretty and so beautiful. I just cannot stop thinking about you. Many times when I think about you I will start to shake. Miss Whitney, what am I doing wrong. I am in love with you. I really and truly am in love with you. Whitney, Please, Please give me a chance.

Whatever you decide to do, could you do one thing at least. Please, Keep Smiling.

…

To Miss Whitney Houston

I try to write to you but I just do not know what to say. I think that you are the most beautiful lady that there is in the whole world. Miss Whitney, I am in love with you.

I saw a headline for an article in one of those things in the supermarket saying that you were married allready [sic]. I am sure they made it up but I allmost [sic] broke down right then and there and I have still been sick for the last several days. I cannot stop thinking about it and I just shake and feel sick in my gut….

…

Miss Whitney, why can’t you respond to my 70 plus letters…

Miss Whitney, I really am in love with you. Please, believe me. You probably think that I am crazy. Well, meebe [sic] I am. I just can’t give up. I have to keep trying. I really am in love with you. Hug your kitty cats and smile that pretty smile of yours. Please, Keep Smiling.

5. Man offers to die for Mark Zuckerberg.

Dear mark:

I am completely tired and exhausted …. I am extremely sorry for bothering you at early hours
Please mark … time is really running out for me .. please help me . I really need your help … please respond in time … before it get [sic] too late for us …
I owe entire my [sic] life at your service .. please help me, then I am ready to die for you … these are not just the words … these are coming from my heart …
Please understand my pain …. Once again, I am extremely sorry for everything … please understand my situation …

Please understand the urgency …time is really running out me [sic] …
Please do the need ful [sic] thing

Your [sic] truly
Pradeep

6. Man shoots at president to prove his love for actress.

3/30/81
12:45 P.M.

Dear Jodie,

There is a definite possibility that I will be killed in my attempt to get Reagan. It is for this very reason that I am writing you this letter now.

As you well know by now I love you very much. Over the past seven months I’ve left you dozens of poems, letters and love messages in the faint hope that you could develop an interest in me. Although we talked on the phone a couple of times I never had the nerve to simply approach you and introduce myself. Besides my shyness, I honestly did not wish to bother you with my constant presence. I know the many messages left at your door and in your mailbox were a nuisance, but I felt that it was the most painless way for me to express my love for you.

I feel very good about the fact that you at least know my name and know how I feel about you. And by hanging around your dormitory, I’ve come to realize that I’m the topic of more than a little conversation, however full of ridicule it may be. At least you know that I’ll always love you.

Jodie, I would abandon this idea of getting Reagan in a second if I could only win your heart and live out the rest of my life with you, whether it be in total obscurity or whatever.

I will admit to you that the reason I’m going ahead with this attempt now is because I just cannot wait any longer to impress you. I’ve got to do something now to make you understand, in no uncertain terms, that I am doing all of this for your sake! By sacrificing my freedom and possibly my life, I hope to change your mind about me.

This letter is being written only an hour before I leave for the Hilton Hotel. Jodie, I’m asking you to please look into your heart and at least give me the chance, with this historical deed, to gain your respect and love.

I love you forever,

John Hinckley


Read Jim Goad’s terrifying yet amusing ebook about fending off fans turned stalkers.

Burning Man 2015 has officially ended. The immolation of the giant faceless male effigy—which, excuse me for livin’, reminds me of a sinister hybrid of a cross burning and a lynching—was accomplished Saturday night as tens of thousands of very high, impossibly rich, and astronomically pretentious mostly Bay Aryans found incredible meaning in this essentially meaningless act. They are now back home, freshly showered while living on their trust funds and nursing their Ecstasy hangovers.

Not all of us have a week of free time and at least $1,000 of spare money to venture into the northern Nevada desert every late summer in order to act primitively. So I’ll spare you the expense…and the stench…and summarize what you should be grateful for missing.

1. It poses as an anti-capitalist event yet appears to make millions every year.

In a sanctimonious gesture against capitalism and in favor of communal living, the exchange of money for goods is strictly verboten at every annual Burning Man event. This is, of course, after you’ve paid the hefty entry fee, which was $390 in 2015.

According to the official Burning Man website, itemized expenses for their 2013 shindig totaled just over $10 million. But reported attendance at the event was 69,213. Assuming everyone had to pay the $380 ticket fee for that year (minus the 4,000 tickets that were sold at half-price as part of their “Low Income Ticket” program), revenue from ticket sales alone was over $25 million. Burning Man’s organizers have been repeatedly criticized for a lack of financial transparency. All they have to do to rectify this is explain where the other $15 million went.

2. Demographically, its attendees are whiter than the crowd at a Beach Boys concert in Alaska.

It is unacceptably problematic to criticize an event for being “too white” in the same spirit that nothing could be “too black” or “too Jewish” or “too Chinese”—that is, unless its attendees are the insufferable type of white people who are always criticizing things for being “too white,” which is de rigueur among the sort of posh coastal leftists who people such events as Burning Man.

Although one of the event’s Ten Principles is “radical inclusion,” it was recently reported that a piddling 1.3% of its attendees self-identify as black. England’s Independent described this demographic dilemma as a “diversity problem.” When confronted about this alleged “problem,” Burning Man founder Larry Harvey said that it’s because slavery induced a morbid fear of camping among black people:

Remember a group that was enslaved and made to work? Slavishly, you know, in the fields….This goes all the way back to the Caribbean scene, when the average life of a slave in the fields was very short. And so, there’s that background, that agrarian poverty associated with things. Maybe your first move isn’t to go camping. Seriously.

Seriously?

3. Participants will tell you it’s not a “hippie,” event; it’s punk. Or cyberpunk. Or steampunk. Or something.

No matter which way they try to slice the Molly tab, the fact remains that this event has its origins in San Francisco, the city that ruined punk rock by fatally injecting hippie politics into it. Before San Francisco got its fluffy hippie paws on it, punk rock was rooted in hard drugs, anomie, sociopathy, and violence. It was originally a severe reaction against hippie culture. But once punk was filtered through San Francisco’s kidneys, punk rock politics and hippie politics became indistinguishable from one another; the only differences were in haircuts and how much leather one felt comfortable wearing without feeling guilty.

Stylistically, Burning Man is directly rooted in the miscegenation of rave culture and the cornball multicolored “cyberpunk” movement of the early 90s. But let’s set aside labels—this is a yearly weeklong event for relatively wealthy, overwhelmingly white people to temporarily shed their “wealth guilt” without shedding their wealth.

4. Its acronym is the same as that for “bowel movement.”

Burning Man = Bowel Movement = BM.

5. In 2013, Mark Zuckerberg flew in to Burning Man via private helicopter in order to help make some “artisanal grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Does anything scream “subvert the dominant paradigm” and “occupy your own temporary autonomous zone” more loudly than that? Other insanely well-heeled tech giants to have attended this anti-capitalist communal experiment in safe atavism include Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Sergey Brin, and Larry Page.

6. Burning Man’s critics are very good at making it sound ridiculous…

One example:

It’s middle-class people behaving embarrassingly. The tales of spiritual enlightenment gained after six hours of dancing on ecstasy are as hard to hear as they are dubious. If I ever have to hear a story about how amazing a fire twirler was, I might actually light myself on fire….I have no problem getting so high that I shit myself….[But if] I wanted to hang out around a bunch of pseudo-bohemian trustafarians and smug yuppies slumming it, I’d move back to Portland.

And another:

There has always been a complex and uneasy relationship in San Francisco’s club scene between people who enjoy dance music, and rich hippies prancing around in hula hoops and swinging flame sticks or whatever the fuck….That, and the horrible fashion and steampunk. Vom….[It’s] just a big dusty playground for rich dicks to get high and “connect on a higher plane” while hoping to grope some boobs.

7. …yet they’re not nearly as good at making it sound as ridiculous as the event’s own promoters are.

“We achieve being through doing,” boldly proclaims the official page for “The 10 Principles of Burning Man.” Exactly how much Special K and X does one have to swallow in order for that to make sense? I have a better slogan—you achieve nothing through everything.

Burning Man founder Larry Harvey got the whole shebang rolling during the summer solstice in 1986 when, reeling from heartbreak after a breakup, he decided to publicly burn a wooden man on a San Francisco beach. Out of this supremely silly fallow ground—basically, that many people on psychedelic drugs tend to have a bit of pyromaniac in them—sprouted an entire “movement” that has lasted nearly three decades. According to Harvey, “Communities are not produced by sentiment. They grow out of a shared struggle.”

In the real world—not the weeklong fantasy-land bubble-blowing body-odor party that is Burning Man—I’d imagine that the biggest “struggle” these people share is the stress of choosing which feathered boa best matches their silver jumpsuit. Well, there’s that, and the agonizing decision over whether this year they should transform their VW minibus into a giant spider or a giant crab.

1. Yes, men have sex with them. That’s why they’re called “sex dolls.”

Even the most basic, cheap-ass, hideous-looking, Band-Aid-colored blowup doll that you give as a gag gift at some douchebag’s bachelor party has a hole somewhere designed for some desperate male to stick his prong and blow his goo. It ain’t pretty, but it’s true. This isn’t rocket science; it’s socket science.

2. But for some men, it’s about much more than sex.

A small subset of men who own sex dolls are said to develop deep emotional attachments to them—a fact that many in society find even more distasteful than the fact that they fuck them.

3. Sex dolls are almost exclusively a guy thing.

The RealDoll company claims that male sex dolls account for a mere 10% of sales, and even those are often sold to gay males. According to human sexuality expert Cynthia Ann Moya:

In the content analysis I did of magazines and books, I don’t think any of [the examples] involved women….This is not to say that it never happened. But the mythologies that people tell each other about these sex dolls all involved men.

4. Not all sex dolls are created equal.

Just like human beings, sex dolls are truly diverse. Some are nothing more than glorified beach balls made of cheap vinyl that will pop and deflate the minute they’re penetrated. Others are fashioned of silicone and feature metallic skeletons that enable the earnest doll-fucker to position their joints. Some even have internal heating systems that make them feel a little bit less dead to the touch. And the manufacturers of the high-end “RealDolls”—which currently can cost up to $10,000 per doll—are currently working on “robotic sex dolls that talk back, flirt and interact with the customer.”

5. Sex dolls will never nag you.

Granted, sex dolls are not as warm as real women. But according to some men, they aren’t nearly as cold, either.

Steve Shubin, inventor of the Fleshlight, submitted a patent in 1995 to create a “female functioning mannequin” whose “cavity” would be lubricated with “oily elastomer.” According to Dr. Marquard Smith’s book The Erotic Doll, Smith designed his mannequin on the pretense that

…women are cruel, venal, superficial, that they humiliate and break the hearts of men and that dolls on the contrary are reliable, compliant, companionable, and loving.

As sex-doll manufacturers Dolloza explain it:

Our dolls don’t judge you and you can do whatever you want and whenever you want with no complaining, criticism, or any pillow talk!

6. There are Japanese brothels that feature sex dolls rather than living, breathing, human prostitutes.

Unlike these here United States, where lonely men enjoy meat-on-plastic relations with sex dolls in the comfort and privacy of their mothers’ basements, the Japanese boast full-on love-doll brothels where men pay top yen to carnally consort with sex dolls in virtual-reality whorehouses. Japan also briefly featured a TV show with a silicone sex doll as its main character. And one crafty Japanese inventor has produced a sex doll that also doubles as a drinking fountain:

7. A Michigan man who calls himself “Davecat” lives with three sex dolls: his “wife” and two “mistresses.”

A nattily attired black male from Michigan who goes by the handle “Davecat” is a proud owner of three sex dolls. Although the United States Supreme Court still does not recognize marriage between human beings and inanimate objects, Dave insists that he is married to the first sex doll he purchased, which he has named “Sidore Kuroneko.” Davecat also houses two other sex dolls that he has dubbed “Muriel” and “Elena,” but these are not his wives—they’re only “intimate friends.” According to Davecat:

Dolls don’t possess any of the unpleasant qualities that organic, flesh and blood humans have. A synthetic will never lie to you, cheat on you, criticize you, or be otherwise disagreeable.

8. One British couple owns over 240 sex dolls but claims they don’t have sex with any of them.

“Bob” and “Lizzie” are thought to own the world’s largest collection of full-size sex dolls—240 and counting. According to Bob, “I’ve never made love or had sex with the doll at all. That’s not what I do.” Instead, they eat dinner, have afternoon tea, and watch TV with them. Thanks for clarifying, “Bob,” but that’s even weirder than having sex with them.

9. Is your dog humping your leg? There’s a sex doll for that.

This creepy, faceless, duck-like contraption is designed to prevent your randy male pooch from humping your leg.

10. Would you like to hump a dog? There’s a sex doll for that, too.

On the low end of the sex-doll spectrum—both price-wise and taste-wise—the avid humper of inanimate objects can find blow-up dolls made to resemble animals rather than humans. If you’re so inclined, you can also snag yourself “overweight, transgender, elderly and alien dolls.”

11. Eastern Europeans love using sex dolls in swimming competitions…

During “National Men’s Day” in Lithuania, one swimming race involves men using sex dolls as rafts. And until 2013—when the event was canceled due to “health and safety” concerns—Russia’s “Bubble Baba Challenge” also featured men rocketing down the river afloat on inflatable sex dolls.

12. …even though Australian authorities insist that sex dolls are “not recognized flotation devices.”

In 2011 after an Aussie couple escaped drowning by using inflatable sex toys as life rafts during a flood, authorities sternly warned the public that sex dolls are “not recognized flotation devices.”

13. Heartbroken men have been known to design sex dolls that resemble their lost lovers.

After being dumped by his lover in 1916, Austro-Hungarian artist Oskar Kokoschka wrote that he’d “lost all desire to go through the ordeal of love again.” Instead, he provided a dressmaker with insanely detailed instructions for building a life-sized simulacrum of the woman who kicked him to the curb. He reportedly destroyed the doll in a fit of rage during a party.

According to the owner of a sex shop in Italy, in 2010 a 50-year-old man was “in tears” as he showed dozens of photographs of a presumably dead blonde woman whom he commissioned shop owners to recreate as a sex doll.

14. The grand incredible Nazi sex-doll hoax.

For years false rumors have spread than Adolf Hitler, alarmed at the prospect of his soldiers contracting syphilis from French prostitutes, green-lit a project to supply Nazi grunts with inflatable sex dolls they could carry in their backpacks. It was reputedly called the “Borghild Project,” but researchers concluded in the early 2000s that, due to a lack of evidence, the whole shebang had been a hoax.

15. America’s Barbie doll is said to be based on an “erotic” German doll named Bild Lilli.

“Bild Lilli” was a bawdy, foul-mouthed female German cartoon character in the early 1950s that one writer described as a “pornographic caricature.” Due to the cartoon’s popularity, a line of “Bild Lilli” dolls was manufactured in two sizes—7.5 inches and 11.5 inches. They were marketed to adult males, although their size ensured that they couldn’t be penetrated and could only potentially do the penetrating. Bild Lilli is fingered, pun intended, as the direct inspiration for America’s Barbie doll.

16. Better a Dutch wife than a Dutch oven.

A very early version of the modern sex doll was a glorified penile hand puppet made of hand-sewn leather by European sailors of the 17th century. The French referred to these disgusting little hot pockets as dames de voyage (travel ladies). Dutch sailors traded so much with the Japanese back then, the Japanese began referring to these little masturbatory aids as “Dutch wives.” Even in modern times, many Japanese people still refer to high-tech silicone love dolls as “Dutch wives.”

17. Sex dolls are not only good for sex and companionship—they can also get you into the carpool lane.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to shtup them and fall in love with them, many socially irresponsible scofflaws have been known to strap down sex dolls in the passenger’s seat of their vehicles in order to unfairly cheat society by zooming into the carpool lane under the pretense that the sex doll is a second passenger.

18. If you don’t want to fuck it anymore, you can wear it as a raincoat.

Dutch artist Sander Reijgers has spent an almost unhealthy amount of time transforming 50 blowup dolls that a “sponsor” gave him into rain gear with waterproof hoodies. According to Reijgers:

These dolls are so ugly and vulgar that turning them into something beautiful has become a challenge for me. The doll is a means to convey something else…it’s near-incomprehensible that people could have sex with something as ugly and lifeless as a blow-up doll….I remove the sexual function of the dolls by turning them into a jacket or a bag.

19. It’s illegal to fondle blowup dolls in public, so don’t do it.

Fifty-one-year-old George Bartusek of Cape Coral, FL found this out the “hard” way, pun intended—in 2009, he was arrested in the parking lot of a Publix supermarket after he was spotted kissing and “very inappropriately” touching a pair of blowup dolls.

20. The more realistic these sex dolls get, the creepier they will be.

In 1970, Japanese robotics engineer Masahiro Mori coined the term “uncanny valley” to describe the observed phenomenon that the more lifelike robots appear, the more disturbing people find them to be. People can usually accept robots if they still look clearly like robots; but if they look almost completely human—but not quite—we are disgusted by them. Thus, the more that sex dolls begin to resemble living human women, the harder the “iDollators” may find it to become…hard.

21. Here are the proud cities and countries where people love sex dolls the most.

A 2008 study based on Internet searches for sex dolls revealed that the Philippines comes out on top, with Australia and the USA nipping at its heels. The Aussie cities of Sydney and Melbourne love sex dolls the most, followed by LA and Chicago.

22. What’s that you say—you’d like to see some of these sex dolls for yourself? I’m glad you asked!

If you’re of legal age and your flesh is willing, feast your weary, horny eyes upon Real Dolls, Boy Toy Dolls, Anatomical Doll, Dolloza, AIDoll, DSDoll, and 4WoodsUSA. But be warned—you will never be able to un-see what you’re about to see.


Read Jim Goad’s ebook about America’s least-appreciated state.

1. Baby Batter
2. Ball Barf
3. Bonkjuice
4. Buttermilk
5. Choad Nectar
6. Clam Sauce
7. Cock Droplets
8. Cock Snot
9. Cough Drops
10. Cuckoo Spit
11. Crack Wax
12. Cream
13. Crud
14. Cum
15. Custard
16. Daddy Sauce
17. Dongwater
18. Erectoplasm
19. Face Cream
20. Fish Dip
21. Flour Water
22. Fructis
23. Fun Gel
24. Gentleman’s Relish
25. Glue
26. Happy Trails
27. Hemulsion
28. High Fructose Porn Syrup
29. Honey
30. Hot Milk
31. Jam
32. Jamba Juice
33. Jazz
34. Jelly
35. Jizz
36. Layonnaise
37. Letch Water
38. Liquid Silk
39. Live Cultures
40. Load
41. Love Liquor
42. Male Tears
43. Man Chowder
44. Man Foam
45. Man Period
46. Man Seed
47. Monkey Juice
48. Nobslurry
49. Nizzle-Drizzle
50. Nut Butter
51. Oil of Man
52. Oil of Ulay
53. Ointment
54. Onward Christian Soldiers
55. Oyster Droppings
56. Pale Marmalade
57. Pearl Jam
58. Penis Colada
59. Pole Milk
60. Population Paste
61. Prick Liquid
62. Protein Shake
63. Pube Solvent
64. Pudding
65. Rude Glue
66. Salad Dressing
67. Satchel Syrup
68. Schlong Jelly
69. Scum
70. Sink Bubbles
71. Slime
72. Snake Spray
73. Soap
74. Spaff
75. Spendings
76. Spew
77. Splashback
78. Splooge/Spooge
79. Spratz
80. Spume
81. Spunk
82. Squiggle
83. String of Pearls
84. Tadpoles
85. Tail Juice
86. Tallow
87. Throat Yogurt
88. Trouser Gravy
89. Turkey Spit
90. Wad
91. Wang Pus
92. Wank Paste
93. Weiner Sauce
94. Wet Paint
95. White Gold
96. White Honey
97. White Light/White Heat
98. White Ribbon
99. Willymilk
100. Wormgob

1. ORCHESTRATED EX-BOYFRIEND’S KIDNAPPING AND TORTURE

The mug shot on the right depicts the sobbing, ruined face of Kumari Fulbright, a University of Arizona law student. The picture was taken only a year after she’d won the Miss Desert Sun beauty pageant. She served a two-year prison sentence for orchestrating the 2007 kidnapping, robbery, and ten-hour torture of a former boyfriend. (source)

2. ARRESTED FOR KIDDIE PORN

Last year Meghan Alt was crowned Miss Orange County 2014. Last Thursday the 25-year-old mom was arrested for allegedly distributing naked pictures of a four-year-old female relative in exchange for money. She is charged with distributing child pornography and lascivious conduct with a child. (source)

3. HOMELESS FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS OF HER LIFE

Damarys Ruiz was crowned Miss Venezuela in 1973. When she died earlier this year, she’d been living on the streets of Caracas for the past fifteen years. During a 2005 interview, she claims she chose to become homeless after living with a brother who purposely starved and beat her. “I repeatedly called the police but they never did anything,” she told a reporter in 2005. (source)

4. DEAD FROM BUTTOCK-IMPLANTS OPERATION

Solange Magnano was 1994’s Miss Argentina. She was said to have become increasingly obsessed with her fading looks to the point where she elected to receive breast implants and, in 2009 at age 38, buttock implants. It would prove to be a fatal attempt at ass-enhancement, as part of the liquid that was injected into her posterior made its way into her brain and lungs, killing her. (source)

5. ACCUSED OF RAPING A MAN

Due to the fact that Great Britain’s Sexual Offences Act of 1956 declared it impossible for a woman to rape a man, former Miss Wyoming World Joy McKinney was never formally charged with raping Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson during a 1977 incident in which she allegedly kidnapped him, chained him to a bed, and sexually assaulted him. However, she did skip bail and flee to America, which doesn’t exactly suggest innocence. It became known as the “Mormon Sex in Chains Case” and was the subject of tons of snarky, almost celebratory media coverage in England. McKinney reportedly now lives in the North Carolina mountains and is confined to a wheelchair. (source)

6. MURDERED BY A PRIEST?

Pretty young Irene Garza was voted Miss All South Texas Sweetheart in 1958. Two years later, at age 25, her dead body was found in a canal. A slide viewer belonging to a Catholic priest named John Feit was found near her corpse. Father Feit admitted to hearing Garza’s confession on the night she was killed. He also pled guilty to aggravated assault on another woman that occurred shortly before Garza’s murder. In 2002—forty-two years after Garza’s murder—another Catholic priest informed detectives that Father Feit had confessed to him that he’d suffocated Garza to death by placing a bag over her head and leaving her to die in a bathtub. But even though Feit was still alive, he never faced murder charges. (source)

7. CANCER SCAMMER

A former Miss Pennsylvania U.S. International—seriously, guys, what’s with these titles…does she represent Pennsylvania, the USA, or planet Earth?—Brandi Weaver-Gates has confessed to scamming friends, family, and supporters by pretending to have leukemia. She shaved her head to appear as if she was undergoing chemo. She had relatives take her to a hospital for “treatments” that merely involved her scurrying off to a different part of the hospital while they waited for her, oblivious to her scam. She even collected $14,000 during a “Bingo for Brandi” fundraiser. She faces charges of theft by deception and receiving stolen property. (source)

8. KILLED DURING A ROBBERY

Voted the “fifth most beautiful woman in the universe” at the 2005 Miss Universe contest, Mónica Spear was 2004’s Miss Venezuela. In January 2014 while she, her husband, and her five-year-old daughter were waiting at roadside to have their car repaired, they were ambushed by a group of robbers who shot both Spear and her husband to death. Her daughter suffered a leg wound in the attack. Three men who were part of a criminal syndicate that preyed on motorists were jailed for the crime. (source)

9. SHOT DEAD TWICE IN THE BACK

A 19-year-old who was the reigning Miss Honduras, Maria Jose Alvarado attended a 2014 birthday party in honor of her sister’s boyfriend, who became murderously jealous after her sister danced with another man at the party. Both girls were shot to death, and their bodies were found buried in a shallow grave on the outskirts of town. (source)

10. STABBED TO DEATH AND DUMPED BEHIND AN ANIMAL SHELTER

Jill Ann Weatherwax’s life spiraled out of control shortly after being crowned Miss Hollywood. In 1998, after several arrests for drug possession and public drunkenness, her carcass was found behind an animal shelter in Fresno, CA. She had been stabbed to death. Evidence suggests she’d lived her final months as a prostitute. She’d been seen leaving a motel with three men on the night she was murdered. (source)

11. MURDERED DURING STREET PROTESTS

Genesis Carmona represented her Venezuelan state as Miss Tourism 2013. The following year she was swept up in the country’s anti-government street riots which saw at least six people killed. She was one of them—slain with one bullet to the head. Her witnesses said she was killed by members of a pro-government group who’d shown up to attack protestors; the government, though, tried claiming that she’d been murdered by a fellow protestor. (source)

12. POSSIBLE COCAINE OVERDOSE

A former America’s Junior Miss who’d gone on to become a dermatologist, 38-year-old Kiersten Rickenbach Cerveny’s topless corpse was found dead in a NYC apartment building vestibule just this past Sunday morning. There were bruises around her neck, but they apparently weren’t severe enough to have caused death by strangulation. Toxicology reports have been inconclusive, but a male associate claimed to have snorted cocaine with Cerveny on the morning she died. (source)

13. TWENTY YEARS IN PRISON FOR FRAUD

Susan Shaw was 1992’s Miss Hawaii International. In 2011 she received a 20-year prison sentence for multiple cases of ID theft that cost her victims an estimated $200,000. Her prosecutor described Shaw as “a manipulative, cunning identity thief who had no regard for the harm that she was going to cause to the victims.” (source)

14. ACCESSORY TO MURDER

Peggy Sue Thomas was a former Ms. Washington who in 2003 conspired with her lover to lure a man into a fatal ambush. Her lover pulled the trigger and received an 80-year prison sentence. Thomas pleaded guilty but received only four years. (source)

15. DESTROYED BY METH

In 2009 at age 18, Jamie-Lynn France was voted Miss Teen Oregon-World, which is yet another one of geographically inconsistent beauty-queen titles. Five years later she was arrested and charged with possession of meth and heroin. Her mug shot reveals a mug that has been eaten alive by amphetamines. (source)

16. MULTIPLE FELONY DRUG-RELATED COUNTS

In 2006, Katherine Rees was stripped of her title of Miss Nevada USA after salacious pictures of her emerged online. Since then, she’s been repeatedly arrested and charged with possessing a cornucopia of different illicit substances. (source)

17. DRUNKEN AIRPLANE TANTRUM

A former Miss Venezuela—notice a pattern here?—fifty-year-old Carmen Lechin was arrested in 2013 after an allegedly drunken airplane tantrum that started after a flight attendant denied giving her a pillow. Her outburst was so egregious that the pilot turned the plane around. Her criminal trial on felony charges for interfering with a flight crew started last week. (source)

18. HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER

Englishwoman Kristina Long was crowned 2010’s Miss Bolton, and no, I don’t know where “Bolton” is, either. She was jailed in 2014 after a drunk-driving incident where she plowed so fiercely into a pedestrian, she sent him flying 75 feet. Her victim was left with spine and leg fractures and a bleeding brain. (source)

David Lee Roth

“I remember one day when David Lee Roth came in looking high as hell. His album Skyscraper had just come out, and the album cover is him mountain-climbing somewhere, like on the side of a huge rock face, and we had a wooden version of the album cover on the roof of the building, and he showed up for a meet-and-greet thing, an autograph signing, and he was so wasted he said, ‘I’m going to climb the Matterhorn,’ and there were people from the record label screaming themselves because he could have fallen and killed himself, and amazingly, he didn’t. He was a very nice guy. He took you out for ice cream. He would often come in the store, glad-handing people. One time he came in and was talking to a bunch of us and he was like, ‘Hey, ice cream sundaes for everyone at Barney’s!’ He took 15-20 of us for ice-cream sundaes at Barney’s.”

Slash from Guns N’ Roses

“I met Slash the day that I got hired. I met him and Vanity. She was there visiting the manager who hired me. The manager’s name was Kevin; he was this black guy with a very bad Jheri curl. With the shag in the back. Very typical bad Jheri curl. Longer than Lionel Richie’s. I was interviewed in one room and then Kevin waked me back to the manager’s office and we opened the door and Saul—his name wasn’t ‘Slash’ yet—he was sitting behind the manager’s desk and leaned back in a chair. I couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not, because he had the stupid hat on and sunglasses. He even wore that stupid hat there. It kind of looked like he was sort of sleeping. Kevin told him to get out of the office. ‘You gotta give me a minute,’ Slash says. He sits up in the chair and kind of adjusts himself, and then a girl crawled out from underneath the desk.”

The rest of Guns N’ Roses and the hair-metal scene

“It wasn’t only Slash who worked at Tower—Axl Rose worked there, too. I knew both of them. And that other guy—Taime Downe. He had that band Faster Pussycat. They were all friends. All those rocker dudes that hung out at the Roxy and Gazzarri’s and the Whisky and the Rainbow.

“So it was a whole Peyton Place soap-opera scene. Everyone who was in a band was begging you every five minutes to buy a ticket to go see them play. They were in your face three times a week.

“I saw Guns N’ Roses like, I don’t know, a hundred thousand times because it seemed like they played every other day at one of those places. Same with Motley Crue, because they lived up the street on Doheny.

“Guns N’ Roses were like every other dude who got in a band and got rich—they were all jackasses, completely egotistical, all they were into was themselves, they really couldn’t give a shit about you. Most of them worked either at Tower or the rock ’n’ roll Ralph’s supermarket on Sunset. The way they survived and paid their rent was there was a whole network of groupie girls and these chicks basically took care of them, so it would be two to three girls for one guy. One would do their laundry, another would have sex with them, and another would buy them food.

“Those chicks were all annoying because they were all in competition with each other. It was a precursor to Bret Michaels’s Rock of Love—all these girls fighting over these guys trying to be the #1 girl so they could get rich off these dudes.”

Vanity

“The first person I ever met was Vanity. It was at work, and I’m going back in the office, it was the same day I got hired, and then I went to the bathroom and came back and Vanity was in the office with my manager Kevin. They were close friends. So I walk in the room and I see this kid in a full-length black mink coat. And this is Los Angeles and it’s summertime. So I see bare legs and high heels and this mink coat and long hair. She turned around and it was Vanity, and I was completely gobsmacked. She was wearing lingerie underneath the coat. Basically a teddy and a thong. Her eyes are swirling around independently in her head in all different directions. She asked me if I’d like a piece of candy: ‘I have all kinds of candy.’ She reaches in her pocket, grabs a handful of something, opens up her hand, and it’s unwrapped lollipops, Tootsie Rolls, chewing gum, all unwrapped and covered in pocket lint and fur: ‘You want one?’ I was like, ‘OK, no thanks.’”

Michael Jackson

“The most dramatic thing would be whenever Michael Jackson would show up. He would always come in wearing a costume so he could be anonymous. But the giveaway was that he would have on those loafers with ‘MJ’ in gold on the top of his loafers. And you’d just know it was him because he’d be so freaky-looking and he’d send in recon before his visit, and they’d warn us he was coming in, and he’d always come in with his assistant. It was a game that he played. He’d come in wearing these crazy costumes. One time he had on this big Afro wig and these crazy false teeth, but you knew it was him. You know how some celebrities have the X factor? Just the energy coming off him, you knew it was Michael Jackson. The workers knew it was him because he came in every fucking week. But he’d always fool all the customers, because everyone in Hollywood is a little weird-looking, so nobody looked at him twice.”

A place to be seen

“Tower was a respite for people. You’d come there and see some celebrities walking around—Brian Setzer, Bruce Springsteen, Whoopi Goldberg. Everyone came to be seen. You buy records, maybe see a celebrity, maybe get an autograph, and that would make your day.”

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1. ONE OF THE FIRST ‘MILK-CARTON KIDS’

It was a fateful May morning in 1979 when six-year-old Etan Patz’s parents finally felt safe letting him walk to the bus stop alone in Manhattan. They’d given him a dollar for lunch, and he said he wanted to buy a soda with it. Wearing an Eastern Airlines cap and clutching his dollar, he skipped off toward the bus stop, never to be seen again.

Etan’s face was one of the very first—if not the first—to be used on milk cartons in the early 1980s in a nationwide campaign to help locate missing children.

In 2012, 53-year-old Pedro Hernandez told police that he had lured little Etan into his bodega with the promise of a free soda, whereupon he dragged him down to the basement, choked him to death, wrapped the boy’s cadaver in a body bag, stuffed it in a banana box, and dumped him in the trash. Hernandez later recanted his confession, and a trial this past May ended in a hung jury.

“Etan is larger than his very little important life,” Assistant District Attorney Joan Illuzzi-Orbon had said during the trial. “He represents a moment in this city where there was a loss of innocence.” (source)

2. ONE HOUSE FIRE, FIVE MISSING KIDS

On Christmas Eve in 1945, a blaze erupted at the West Virginia home of the Sodder family. Five of the ten Sodder children were trapped upstairs and presumed dead when the house collapsed to the ground 45 minutes after the fire started.

Family patriarch George Sodder had tried to grab a ladder to rescue his burning children, but the ladder was mysteriously gone. He tried calling the police, but the phone wires had been cut. He attempted to start his truck, but the engine wouldn’t crank.

Even more mysteriously, the bones of the five missing children were allegedly never found.

Speculation emerged that the Sodders were victimized by Mafia arsonists, one of whom had warned George Sodder that he’d burn his house down and kidnap his children in retaliation for unflattering comments he’d made toward Italian dictator Benito Mussolini. Witnesses in the tiny Appalachian town of Fayetteville, WV reported seeing four of the five missing children at a restaurant, surrounded by “Italian-looking” adults who forbade the children from speaking. (source)

3. THREE AUSTRALIAN KIDS VANISH FROM A BEACH

On Australia Day in 1966, Jane (9), Arnna (7), and Grant (4) Beaumont went playing on a beach near their house. Witnesses reported seeing them speaking to a tall blonde man at the beach. At around 3PM, a postman says he saw the children walking back toward their home alone. And that’s the last anyone ever saw of them. Their disappearance “has become symbolic of the day Australia lost its innocence.” (source)

4. DECAPITATED

Little Adam Walsh was only six on the July day in 1981 when his mother took him shopping at a Florida Sears store. She claims she left him at an Atari 2600 kiosk as she went browsing for lamps a few aisles away. When she returned, he was gone. His head was found in a river canal about two weeks later.

Serial killer Ottis Toole confessed to the crime but was never tried and convicted of it. Toole and his sometime serial-killing pal Henry Lee Lucas had been known for stretching the truth, so there’s scant evidence he actually killed Adam Walsh. However, enraged by the killing, Adam’s father John Walsh became a lifelong crusader against violent criminals and is best known as the host of TV show America’s Most Wanted. (source)

5. WRONGLY IDENTIFIED AS ALIVE

Paul Joseph Fronczak made headlines when he was kidnapped out of a Chicago hospital in 1964 when he was only a day old. Two years later, “Paul” was found in a stroller and was reunited with his parents. I put “Paul” in quotes, though, because a DNA test more than 40 years later revealed that the baby who’d been returned to the Fronczaks was not even remotely related to them. (source)

6. THE IMPOSTER

Thirteen-year-old Nicholas Barkley was last spotted playing basketball in San Antonio, TX on June 13, 1994, but he never made it home that night. Three years later, a young man from Spain who claimed he was Nicholas contacted police and told him that he’d escaped from a kiddie sex-slave ring. He was flown from Spain and reunited with the Barclay family in Texas. Problem was, “Nicholas” was actually a French conman named Pierre Bourdin, who had an odd habit of impersonating missing children because he said he needed to find a family that would love him. Bourdin was sentenced to prison but later returned to Europe and continued impersonating missing children. A 2012 documentary about Bourdin was called The Imposter. (source)

7. SOLD INTO A PEDOPHILE RING?

A freckly 12-year-old Iowa paper boy, Johnny Gosch went missing in September 1982. His parents became alerted to his disappearance after receiving an angry string of calls from customers demanding to know why they hadn’t received that day’s newspaper. Johnny’s little red wagon that he’d used to deliver papers was discovered only two blocks from his home.

Gosch’s mother claims she received a letter in the mail containing several photos of a bound-and-gagged young male that was reputed to be Johnny.

A 24-year-old convicted sex offender named Paul Bonnacio confessed to helping kidnap Johnny and selling him into a child-prostitution ring. He correctly identified several distinguishing birthmarks and scars on Johnny’s body. However, Johnny was never found and along with Etan Patz, he became one of the country’s first “milk-carton kids.” (source)

8. SHADY MOM

Two-year-old Trenton Duckett disappeared from his Florida home in 2006, vanishing “without a trace and without signs of a struggle.” Duckett’s parents had been embroiled in an acrimonious divorce and custody dispute at the time of Duckett’s disappearance. Evidence emerged that Trenton’s mother Melinda had hacked into her husband’s email and attempted to frame him for the kidnapping. She was also a student of criminal psychology and was being investigated for bank embezzlement. But before she could be charged with abducting her own son, she blew her head off with a shotgun. (source)

9. SHADY STEPMOM

One day in June 2010 after delivering a science-fair presentation about frogs, seven-year-old Kyron Horman of Oregon went missing on his way to his next class. He was never found. His stepmother Terri was never charged with his kidnapping, but she made inconsistent statements to the police about her whereabouts on the day of his disappearance. Six months earlier, Kyron’s father had filed a restraining order against her after learning that she’d offered a hit man money to murder him. So instead of murdering Kyron’s father, it’s speculated that she may have played a role in Kyron’s disappearance. (source)

10. PICKING FLOWERS IN A FIELD

Described as “tiny…blue-eyed and red-headed,” four-year-old Marjorie West of Pennsylvania was seen picking flowers in a field one day in 1938. Near midnight the same day, a girl fitting her description was spotted riding in a dark sedan with an unidentified man in West Virginia. Neither Marjorie nor the man in the sedan were ever found. It remains Pennsylvania’s oldest unsolved missing-persons case. (source)

11. AN END OF INNOCENCE

The Lyon sisters—Katherine (10) and Sheila (12)—were spotted by acquaintances eating at a mall in DC suburb on March 25, 1975. One boy told police that he saw them talking into a tape recorder held by an unidentified man. The girls were never seen again.

“That’s when parents started walking their kids to school,” remarked a local TV reporter. “It was an extraordinary coming-out time. Everyone became much more suspicious,” he says. “It was an end of innocence.” (source)

12. HE IS SAFE AND WILL NEVER BE FOUND

One day in May 2011, six-year-old Timmothy James Pitzen—yes, his parents spelled it with an extra “m”—was taken out of school by his mom, who proceeded to whisk him around to local water parks and zoos in Wisconsin. The day they went missing, his mother allegedly called family members, who claim they heard Timmothy in the background complaining that he was hungry. Three days after the pair vanished, Timmothy’s mom was found dead in a motel room. She had killed herself and left a note that said, “Timmothy was safe & would never be found.” (source)

13. SNATCHED FROM THE CRIB

Near Thanksgiving in 1997, five-month-old Sabrina Aisenberg went missing from her crib. There was no sign of a break-in. According to a local journalist:

This frightened a lot of people, terrified a lot of young parents. It was chilling for people who lived in that community. It was a quiet, safe, out-of-the-way place. And then a baby disappears.

Sabrina’s parents were never tried nor convicted in their infant daughter’s disappearance, but they remain the prime suspects. Suspicion was deepened when they made a video pleading for Sabrina’s return that featured them smiling incongruously. (source)

14. EYES BURNED OUT WITH ACID

Six-year-old Dorothy Ann Distlehurst of Nashville, TN went skipping toward school one September morning in 1934 “wearing a blue and white plaid dress and [holding] a pink lunchbox.” But she never returned for her expected 1PM lunch break. Her parents received a postcard from Georgia about a week later promising to burn Dorothy’s eyes out with acid if ransom money wasn’t delivered.

Dorothy’s decaying body was found two months later by a pair of men who were digging flower beds. She had been gagged. Her skull had apparently received multiple blows from a hammer. She was naked and in a “crouching” position. Acid had been poured on her face. Her murderers were never found. (source)

1) Barking at the Ape

2) Box Lunch at the ‘Y’

3) Breakfast in Bed

4) Brushing One’s Teeth

5) Carpet-Munching

6) Chewing the She-Fat

7) Clam-Jousting

8) Clam-Lapping

9) Cleaning the Fish Tank

10) Connie Lingus

11) Contacting the Aliens

12) Conversing with Moses

13) Devil’s Kiss

14) Dinner Beneath the Bridge

15) Doing it the French Way

16) Donning the Beard

17) Drinking from the Furry Cup

18) Eating at the ‘Y’

19) Eating Fur Pie

20) Eating Out

21) Eating the Peach

22) Eating Squirrel

23) Eating Sushi From the Barbershop Floor

24) Eating Tinned Mussels

25) Egg McMuff

26) Face-Fucking

27) Facing the Nation

28) Fanny-Noshing

29) Fence-Painting

30) French-Kissing Mr. Lincoln

31) Fuzz Sandwich

32) Giving Face

33) Gnawing on Roast Beef

34) Going Downstairs for Breakfast

35) Going South

36) Gomorrahry

37) Gorilla in the Washing Machine

38) Growling at the Badger

39) Gumming the Monster

40) Husband’s Supper

41) Kissing Between the Hips

42) Kissing the Wookie
43) Lady Braille

44) Lady Semaphore

45) Larking

46) Lapping the Gap

47) Lapping the Lint Trap

48) Lick-a-Chick

49) Lickety-Slit

50) Licking Anchovy

51) Lip Service

52) Lip-Synching to the Fish-Fueled Jukebox

53) Low-Calorie Snacking

54) Making Mouth Music

55) Medicating the Hairy Paper Cut

56) Mopping the Vulva

57) Mustache-Riding

58) Muff-Diving

59) Mumbling in the Moss

60) Munching the Bearded Clam

61) One-Man Band

62) Oyster-Gargling

63) Parting the Fuzz

64) Pastrami Sandwich

65) Pearl-Diving

66) Placating the Beaver

67) Playing in the Sandbox

68) Playing the Hair Harmonica

69) Prawn Breath

70) Pruning the Orchid

71) Pug-Noshing

72) Pussy-Nibbling

73) Seafood Dinner

74) Sipping at the Fizzy Cup

75) Sitting on a Face

76) Slurping at the Furry Coconut

77) Smoking the Fur

78) Sneezing in the Basket

79) Spa Time For Lady Boner

80) Speaking in Tongues

81) Spraying the Crops

82) Tackling the Brazilian

83) Talking to the Canoe Driver

84) Talking to Lassie

85) Telephoning the Stomach

86) Testing the Echo in the Love Cave

87) Testing the Waters

88) Tipping the Velvet

89) Tongue-Fucking

90) Tonguing the Bean

91) Trimming the Hedges

92) Velvet Buzzsaw

93) Wearing the Feed Bag

94) Wearing the Sticky Beard

95) Whispering Into the Wet Ear

96) Whispering to Venus

97) Whistling in the Dark

98) Worshiping at the Altar

99) Yaffling

100) Yodeling in the Canyon

1. FROM NFL CHEERLEADER TO CONVICTED RAPIST

When she joined the Baltimore Ravens Cheerleaders in 2005 at age 38, Maryland socialite Molly Shattuck became the oldest cheerleader in NFL history. In 2014 at age 47, she was convicted of statutory rape due to a series of sexual trysts she’d had with a 15-year-old male friend of her son’s. She had performed oral sex on the youth over Labor Day Weekend 2014, “occasionally met in parked cars,” and swapped sexts with the boy. Thirty years previously, she had been voted homecoming queen of Delaware’s Ford City High School. (sources: 1, 2)

2. FROM HOMECOMING PRINCESS TO MANSON FAMILY MEMBER

A devoted acolyte of Charles Manson as well as an enthusiastic imbiber of LSD and speed, Leslie Van Houten had twice been elected homecoming princess at California’s Monrovia High School. One night in August 1969, accompanied by five other Manson Family members, Van Houten visited the house of Leno and Rosemary LaBianca, where she aided in the latter’s death by stabbing her numerous times in the back. (sources: 1, 2)

3. BEAT HER SISTER WITH A FAKE LEG IN A TRAILER HOME

A former homecoming queen from Norwin High School in Pennsylvania, Donna Sturkie-Anthony had numerous brushes with the law. These involved smearing her feces in the back of a police car during a DUI arrest, allegedly stealing a neighbor’s phone and vowing to burn down their trailer if they snitched, tossing ground meat at a neighbor, and threatening to kick a pregnant neighbor in the stomach. But the lowest she ever sank was a 2008 incident where she was visiting her sister’s trailer and an argument erupted that culminated in Anthony allegedly removing her sister’s prosthetic leg and beating her with it. (sources: 1, 2)

4. HOMELESS AND COVERED IN AIDS SORES

In 1968 Rita Grant was voted homecoming queen of Florida’s Eau Gallie High School. Eighteen years later she was living on the streets of San Francisco, shooting up heroin with dirty needles. Her teeth were rotted out, her hair was dry like straw, and she was so ravaged by AIDS that seven-inch oozing sores on her buttocks threatened to eat toward her spine. (source)

5. TRIED JOINING ISIS

Nineteen-year-old Jaelyn Young was an honor student and homecoming queen at her Mississippi high school. This past summer she and her boyfriend were arrested and charged with conspiring to provide material support to a terrorist group—namely, the Islamic State, AKA ISIS. The FBI alleges that their undercover agents engaged in email conversations with Young where she’d expressed her desire to move to Syria and wage holy war on behalf of ISIS. She also allegedly said she wanted to breed and help raise little “cubs” to fight for ISIS in the future. (sources: 1, 2)

6. DRANK HERSELF TO DEATH AT FRAT PARTY

Samantha Spady was the embodiment of a popular girl at her high school in Beatrice, NB—she was the cheerleading captain, class president, and homecoming queen. But one fateful night in 2004 while she was attending college, she guzzled multiple beers, several shots of tequila, and topped it all off by chugging vanilla vodka from a bottle at 4AM as members of the frat house where she was partying chanted, “Go! Go! Go!” She passed out soon thereafter, and her associates said they thought she could sleep it off. But she was likely already in a coma, and her body wasn’t discovered until the next day when a frat boy was taking his mom through a tour of the fraternity. Spady’s blood-alcohol content at the time of her death was roughly five times the legal limit. (sources: 1, 2, 3)

7. BEATEN TO DEATH WITH A LEAD PIPE

In 1982 former Rhode Island high-school homecoming queen Doreen C. Picard was strangled with her own sweater and then beaten to death with a lead pipe. A man known as Raymond “Beaver” Tempest was convicted of the killing and sentenced to an 85-year prison bid. But this year he was released after he successfully petitioned a judge to compare his DNA to that found on Picard’s cadaver. (sources: 1, 2, 3)

8. RAPED AND MURDERED IN A TENNESSEE MOTEL

Jennifer Hampton was the high-school homecoming queen in the tiny town of Waterloo, AL. In 2008 while staying at a Days Inn in Knoxville, TN, she was raped, strangled to death, and dumped in a nearby lake. A 20-year-old illegal immigrant who didn’t speak English was arrested and convicted of Hampton’s murder after his common-law wife, who worked at the motel, noticed blood on his pants. He’d used his wife’s master key to break into Hampton’s room. A fisherman found Hampton’s nude body floating in a lake about ten miles from the motel. (sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

9. MOST LIKELY TO BE FAMOUS

At her high school in Louisville, KY, Kayla Brown was voted both homecoming queen and “most likely to be famous.” One day in 2013, only a year after she graduated, her life was cut short by a hit-and-run driver in a white sedan. (source)

10. SHOT AND DUMPED NEAR A SEWAGE PLANT

Miki Koontz of Williamson, WV, was a former cheerleader and homecoming queen when she was shot to death in 1996 at the age of 17 under orders of a local drug boss whom she allegedly owed $2,000. Her body was found near a sewage treatment plant. (sources: 1, 2)

11. SHOT WHILE PREGNANT DURING A DOMESTIC DISPUTE

In a Pennsylvania church parking lot one night in 2005 while choir practice was going on inside—apparently so loudly that no one heard gunshots—former homecoming queen Catherine “Cat” Palmer was shot in the hip after an apparent domestic dispute with her boyfriend of three or four years. Her twelve-week-old fetus survived the ordeal unscathed, registering a strong heartbeat shortly after the shooting. A friend described Palmer as “a very sweet person” who “would never hurt anybody.” (source)

12. BLUDGEONED TO DEATH AND DUMPED ON THE ROAD

Vickey Lee Harvey was a former cheerleader and homecoming queen in rural Washington state. In October 2011 when she was 59 years old, a male acquaintance murdered her and dumped her corpse along a remote road. (sources: 1, 2)

13. STRUCK DEAD BY A SPEEDING PAROLEE

Francesca Vitale Weatherhead was a 25-year-old newlywed and former Michigan homecoming queen on the day in October 2014 when she was driving to work and got creamed by a recently paroled felon with multiple arrests who ran a red light during a police chase. (source)

14. MURDERED BY HER CHEATING HUSBAND

Dr. Martin MacNeill was a California physician, porn addict, serial cheater, and child molester who was found guilty of force-feeding his beautiful blonde wife Michelle—a former homecoming queen and beauty queen—a fatal dose of pills in April, 2007. Cold as ice, Dr. MacNeill set up the murder so that Michelle’s six-year-old daughter discovered her mother’s unconscious body in a bathtub filled with bloody water. (source)

15. SHOT DEAD IN A GAS STATION ON NEW YEAR’S DAY

Mercedes Morris was a former homecoming queen at Lee High School in Huntsville, AL. On New Year’s Day 2014, she was shot dead while sitting in the passenger seat of a car at a gas station. (source)

16. RAPED AND KILLED BY A MENTALLY RETARDED MAN

Marjorie “Greta” Mason of Pulaski County, AR, was an Air Force nurse and former homecoming queen who was kidnapped, raped, and murdered on February 2, 1983. A mentally retarded man named Barry Lee Fairchild was convicted of the murder and died of lethal injection in 1995. (source)

17. STRANGLED AND DUMPED IN A RIVER

Mary Horton Vail of Lake Charles, LA was a former homecoming queen whose dead body was recovered in a local river in 1962. A scarf that had been wrapped around her neck and shoved deeply in her mouth, as well as bruises on her neck and legs, suggested that this was more than the simple drowning her husband Felix insisted it was. But before he could be questioned for murder, Felix skipped town and was never seen again. (source)

1. Addressing the Court

2. BJ

3. Bagpiping

4. Basket Lunch

5. Beej

6. Blowie

7. Blowing the Love Whistle

8. Bobbing for Apples

9. Bone-Lipping

10. Buccal Onanism

11. Brentwood Hello

12. Charming the Snake

13. Climbing the Corporate Ladder

14. Cock-Gobbling

15. Copping a Doodle

16. Courting the Gay Vote

17. Drinking a Slurpee

18. Dropping on It

19. Earning your Keep

20. Essin’ the Dee

21. Face-Frosting

22. Fellatio

23. Fluting

24. French Abortion

25. Gator Mouth

26. Getting a Facial

27. Getting a Lewinsky

28. Getting a Throat Culture

29. Getting to the Cream Filling

30. Giving Cone

31. Giving Face

32. Giving Head

33. Gobbling Pork

34. Going Down

35. Gumming the Root

36. Punching

37. Giving Big Jim and the Twins a Bath

38. Giving Brain

39. Giving Head

40. Gum-Rooting

41. Gumming the Green Bean

42. Head Job

43. Honkin’ Bobo

44. Huffing Bone

45. Hummer

46. Interrogating the Prisoner

47. Kneeling at the Altar

48. Knob Job

49. Larking

50. Laying Some Lip

51. Licking the Lollipop

52. Making Mouth Music

53. Making the Blind See

54. Meeting with Mr. One-Eye

55. Mouth-Fucking

56. Mouth-Holstering the Nightstick

57. Mouth-Milking

58. Mouth-to-Junk Resuscitation

59. Opening Wide for Dr. Chunky

60. Oral Sodomy

61. Peeling the Banana

62. Penilingus

63. Piston Job

64. Playing Pan’s Pipes

65. Playing the Pink Oboe

66. Playing the Skin Flute

67. Pole-Smoking

68. Polishing the Trailer Hitch

69. Pricknicking

70. Protein Milkshake

71. Receiving Holy Communion

72. Respecting Your Superiors

73. Sampling the Sausage

74. Scooby-Snacking

75. Secretarial Duties

76. Singing to the Choir

77. Skull-Buggery

78. Skull-Fucking

79. Slobbin’ the Knob

80. Smiling at Mr. Winky

81. Smoking the Pink Pipe

82. Smoking Pole

83. Southern France

84. Speaking into the Bonophone

85. Speaking Low Genitals

86. Spit-Shining a Baseball Bat

87. Spraying the Tonsils

88. Sucking Off

89. Sucky-Ducky

90. Suck-Starting the Harley

91. Swallowing the Baloney Pony

92. Sword-Swallowing

93. Taking One’s Temp with a Meat Thermometer

94. Talking into the Mic

95. Telling it to the Judge

96. Waxing the Carrot

97. Worshiping At the Altar

98. Wringing It Dry

99. Yaffling the Yogurt Cannon

100. Zipper Dinner

1. HELP! THERE’S A BABY FORESKIN IN MY FACIAL CREAM!

While you may have assumed that circumcised foreskins languish in a hospital dumpster before being eternally consigned to a landfill, the medical and cosmetics industries swoop down like buzzards on these discarded penile skin flaps and make money by using them to heal wrinkles and burns.

Newborn foreskins contain human growth factors that make them ideal for anti-wrinkle skin creams. Face creams that use baby foreskins include SkinMedica and HydraFacial. (source)

Baby foreskins are roughly the size of a postage stamp—yes, I guess someone actually took the time to measure one—but “can grow to the size of three basketball courts in less than a month” under the proper laboratory conditions. The skin is then used for grafts to aid in the healing of burn victims. (source)

2. WOMEN HAVE FORESKINS, TOO

What is known as the “foreskin” in males is called the “clitoral hood” in females. Both are designed to protect these pleasure centers from harm. If gender-neutral is your thang, both foreskins and clitoral hoods are known as prepuces.

3. THE 4,400-YEAR-OLD FORESKIN

An Egyptian bas-relief from 2400 B.C. depicts a flint-knife circumcision and is thought to be the earliest historical mention of foreskin removal. (source)

4. OVER 100 AMERICAN MALE INFANTS DIE FROM CIRCUMCISION YEARLY

On average, 117 American boys die yearly from post-circumcision complications, most of them involving blood loss or infections. (source)

5. MORE FORESKIN = MORE PLEASURE

The average male foreskin contains 20,000 nerve endings. According to one study, the least sensitive part of the foreskin is more sensitive than the rest of the penis. During intercourse, the foreskin produces a “gliding action” that reduces friction and enhances lubrication. On the downside, having a foreskin feels so good that uncut men are more likely to develop premature ejaculation, a condition which will always be hilarious regardless of context. (source1) (source2)

6. PRO-FORESKIN ACTIVISTS CALL THEMSELVES ‘INTACTIVISTS’

According to an anti-circumcision group called Bloodstained Men, an “intactivist” is

Someone who believes that every child, regardless of their gender or parents’ beliefs, has the right to their intact genitals, as they’re born.

Other groups that see circumcision as a barbaric, unnecessary, and nonconsensual mutilation of infant genitals are Brothers United for Future Foreskins (BUFF) and National Organization of Restoring Men (NORM).

7. HAVING A FORESKIN CAN LEAD TO MEDICAL PROBLEMS…

According to Dr. Brian Morris of the University of Sydney, uncircumcised men are fifty times more likely to develop penile cancer than men who’ve been “cut.” (source)

Intact foreskins contain what are known as Langerhans cells, which facilitate HIV transmission. As a result, uncircumcised men are 60% more likely to acquire HIV than men who’ve been snipped. (source)

Uncircumcised men can also develop a condition called phimosis in which the foreskin envelops the penis too tightly, which can lead to urine getting trapped in the foreskin and turning the entire shlong into a swollen pee balloon. (source)

8. …BUT SO CAN BEING CIRCUMCISED

Men who’ve been circumcised are nearly five times as likely to develop erectile dysfunction as those who’ve never undergone the tortures and torments of postpartum penile mutilation. They are also said to be 60% more likely to develop a psychological disorder known as alexithymia, which makes it difficult to express one’s emotions. (source)

9. SOME GIRLS HATE ’EM

On an episode of Seinfeld, Elaine admits to sleeping with an uncircumcised man. “It had no face, no personality,” she kvetches about his penis.

According to one woman, “I believe uncircumcised penises have a very off-putting odor!” Another says, “I’ve found that uncircumcised penises tend to have a stronger smell and more greasy/sweaty feel to them.” (source)

10. SOME GIRLS LOVE ’EM

One US study found that 85% of women who’d had sex with both cut and uncut men preferred men with foreskins. One of the main reasons they offered is that foreskins aid in the production of that nasty excretory paste known as smegma, which acts as a natural lubricant. (source)

Other women find cut penises to be visually revolting: “I think circumcised penises look like mutilated, skinned mushrooms, and there’s that ugly scar on it,” gripes one foreskin-lovin’ lass. (source)

11. THERE WAS A PUNK BAND CALLED ‘THE 4-SKINS”

The 4-Skins were a quartet of London East Enders who played Oi! Music and were associated with the skinhead scene. I never met them, so I cannot confirm whether any of them retained their foreskins into adulthood.

12. THE INVENTOR OF CORN FLAKES RECOMMENDED SEWING BOYS’ FORESKINS SHUT

John Harvey Kellogg—he of cereal fame—was intensely concerned about the fact that boys and girls all across America were furiously masturbating without his consent and approval. One of the methods he recommended for discouraging masturbation among uncircumcised boys was sewing their foreskins shut with a metal wire. (source)

13. THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY FORESKIN

Throughout much of the Christian era, rumors spread through Europe of a “Holy Foreskin” that had been clipped from Jesus at birth. The first reported Holy Foreskin sighting was in 800 A.D. when Emperor Charlemagne bequeathed the alleged divine prepuce to the Pope. According to an expert on Catholic relics, “Depending on what you read, there were eight, twelve, fourteen, or even 18 different holy foreskins in various European towns during the Middle Ages.” Perhaps they’d been multiplying like fishes and loaves. Embarrassed by the whole topic, in the year 1900 Pope Leo XIII ordered the immediate excommunication of any Catholic who even mentioned the Holy Foreskin. (source)

14. TUGGING YOUR WAY BACK TO SQUARE ONE

Foreskin restoration is all the rage among men who feel that they were cruelly, painfully, and unnecessarily mutilated as infants by a foreskin-phobic society. This can be accomplished surgically by using skin from the scrotum, which everyone can agree is an ugly human body part with an exceedingly ugly name. For those who prefer to take the natural route, a sometimes years-long process of stretching the skin both manually and with weights is known as “tugging.”

15. THE RABBI, THE WALLET, AND THE SUITCASE

There’s an old joke about a rabbi who keeps all the foreskins from circumcisions he’s performed and makes them into a wallet. The rabbi’s friend remarks that it seems like he went through an awful lot of trouble just to make a wallet. “I know,” the rabbi replies, “but when you rub it, it turns into a suitcase.”

1. A DOZEN MEN INJECTED WITH HIV-POSITIVE BLOOD

In 2008, three HIV-POSITIVE Dutch men were convicted of grievous bodily harm by a Netherlands court for purposely infecting a dozen men at gay sex parties over the course of two years by drugging them on GHB and Ecstasy, then injecting them with a “cocktail” containing the infected blood of all three men. Their sentences ranged from nine years to 18 months. (source)

2. ‘YAY LOL. SOMEONE GETTING POZ THAT DAY. POOR SUCKA.’

California landscape architect Thomas Guerra was convicted of infecting others with HIV based on evidence from 11,000 text messages and three dozen audio clips that saw him boasting of his murderous campaign. “Yay lol,” read one text. “Someone getting poz that day. Poor Sucka.” Guerra’s boyfriend contacted police after someone on Facebook informed him that Guerra was not only HIV-POSITIVE but that he “joked” about keeping it a secret to his sex partners:

I was hours away from proposing to this individual….I don’t even know who I was living with. I don’t know who I had fallen in love with. There are many people who are being hurt and could potentially still be hurt. It needs to stop….There’s hundreds and hundreds, if not thousands, of text messages where he’s talking about intentionally infecting people with HIV. Texts where he’s stating he’s negative to people then bragging to others about giving people his ‘positive load.’

Guerra remained impenitent and blamed his victims for being sexually “reckless.” He was convicted of violating a California health code and sentenced to (drum roll, please)…six months in jail. (source)

3. ‘HE’S TAKEN MY LIFE AWAY’

When 45-year-old British mother of three Kara Wilkinson began developing medical symptoms that would ultimately include “four heart attacks, pneumonia, osteoporosis, and severe hair loss,” a physician suggested she be tested for STIs. Instead, her live-in boyfriend, an undertaker named Alan Mason, informed her that he’d been aware of his HIV status for years but feared telling her because he loved her and didn’t want to lose her. Wilkinson told a reporter:

He’s ruined my life. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done.” “I don’t even have a mirror in my house as I can’t stand to look at my reflection. He’s taken my life away.

For effectively killing his girlfriend, Mason was sentenced to two years and eight months in prison. (source)

4. LET’S SPREAD IT TO OTHERS SO WE DON’T FEEL SO ALONE

In 2013, an unnamed 32-year-old British man was sentenced to four years in prison for infecting his 16-year-old girlfriend, who told authorities that he said they should both spread the virus to as many people as possible so they don’t feel so alone and that others would be forced to share in their suffering. (source)

5. WORLD’S FIRST MURDER CONVICTION FOR TRANSMITTING HIV

A Ugandan-born Canadian man named Johnson Aziga became aware that he was HIV-POSITIVE in 1996. He proceeded to have unprotected sex with at least 11 women without informing them of his status. Seven of them later tested positive for HIV. Two of those women died from AIDS-related illnesses. Johnson was convicted of first-degree murder, the first person in world history to receive a murder conviction for deliberately spreading HIV. (source)

6. ‘MY GOAL WAS TO INFECT AS MANY AS POSSIBLE’

Last year an unnamed female Kenyan teenager went onto a Facebook group called Kenya Scandals to reveal that she’d become infected with HIV after having unprotected sex at a party with a man who’d lied and told her he’d used a condom. As revenge, she made it her goal to infect at least 2,000 men, but she ‘only’ had sex with 324 of them before making her online confession:

I buried the good girl in me and became the bad girl, my goal was to infect as many as possible so far since Dec up to now i have infected 324 men and i make sure to note down there list which i secretly keeps when ill be on my death bed i will release it….I know i have nothing left to do on earth but wait for my death but before i do, men will get it.

It is unknown how many men she ultimately infected during her sadistic rampage of attempted-murder-by-fucking. (source)

7. HE ‘GETS OFF’ ON INFECTING PEOPLE

Michael John Neal, an Australian father of five, was found guilty in 2008 of fifteen criminal charges that included “attempting to infect another person with HIV, rape and procuring sexual penetration by fraud.” For years he’d held meth-fueled orgies he called “conversion parties” where his purpose was to deliberately infect as many men as possible. According to his prosecutor, Neal boasted to friends that his genital piercing aided in the transmission and that he estimated he’d infected at least 75 men. He told one partner that he “gets off” on infecting people. A court-appointed psychiatrist called Neal the most “evil” man he’d encountered in 20 years of his practice. (source1) (source2)

8. HE DIDN’T TELL HIS 300 PARTNERS DUE TO ‘FEAR OF REJECTION’

Thirty-six-year-old Missourian David Mangum became aware of his HIV status in 2003. For the next ten years until his arrest, he estimates he had sex with 300 people, none of whom he informed about his status due to a “fear of rejection.” It is documented that he infected at least one person—his roommate, who went to police after Mangum sheepishly admitted his status to him. (source)

9. FEMALE SINGER INFECTS MALE PARTNER

Nadja Benaissa was a member of all-female German pop band No Angels, which has been described as the “biggest-selling German girl band to date.” In 2010 she was convicted of causing grievous bodily harm as a result of having unprotected sex with three men between 2004 and 2006 without informing them of her HIV status. One of them men became infected with HIV. Benaissa’s sentence? Three hundred hours of community service. (source)

10. HE GOT SEXUALLY AROUSED BY CAUSING PAIN TO FEMALES

Described as “very charming” by one alleged victim, Michigan resident David Dean Smith went on a three-year psycho rampage ending in 2011 where he tried to infect as many partners as possible with HIV. Records from a mental health clinic where Smith had been admitted for being suicidal alleged that he ws “sexually aroused by causing pain to females.” (source)

11. SHE SOUGHT REVENGE ON ALL BLACK MEN

British hair-salon receptionist Sarah Jane Porter allegedly was infected with HIV by a black lover. She then embarked on a five-year revenge mission to infect as many black men as possible with HIV. A DJ and promoter that she infected described her as “pure evil” and said “her cruelty and dishonesty made me feel so worthless.” (source)

12. HE INFECTED AT LEAST 14 WOMEN

New Yorker Nushawn Williams—who also went by the alias Shyteek Johnson—allegedly had unprotected sex with at least 75 women and possibly as many as 300 in New York State while fully aware of his HIV status. He infected at least 14 women, two of whom gave birth to children who were also HIV-POSITIVE. (source)

13. THERE ARE VIDEOS OF HIM POSSIBLY INFECTING PEOPLE

Twenty-two-year-old Missouri resident Michael Johnson—who called himself “Tiger Mandino” in gay chat rooms—was found guilty in May of infecting one partner and attempting to expose at least four others. Police who searched his college dorm room found 32 videos on his laptop of him having unprotected sex with others. (source)

In the popular imagination, rape is something that men do to women. In presumably rare cases, it is also something that men do to men, in which case it’s usually accompanied by a laugh track.

But it is never viewed as something that women do to men. After all, if a man got an erection, he was obviously sexually excited and his body was giving consent. And he should also consider himself lucky, because there are plenty of men who’d jump at the chance of having a woman jump on him.

But just as it’s documented that female victims sometimes lubricate and even have orgasms while being raped, it’s a documented fact that men can achieve erections and ejaculate while being sexually assaulted against their consent. And if you dose your victim with Cialis or Viagra, he may not have much of a choice in whether to get an erection.

In 2010, the Centers for Disease Control added a new category of to its definition of sexual assault and called it “being made to penetrate.” The new definition included being forced to perform intercourse without one’s consent as well as either giving or even receiving oral sex against one’s will.

This is still a narrow definition compared to the famous Campus Sexual Assault Study that alleges one in five college women will be raped because “rape” according to their definition includes not-quite-full-blown-rapey things such as “forced kissing.”

With the new expanded definition of rape, it suddenly became clear that men were victims of female sexual assault far more than had previously been imagined:

• A 2010 CDC study revealed that men and women were being “made to penetrate” at nearly identical levels.

• Bureau of Justice stats from 2013 reveal that according to the FBI’s new definition of rape and sexual violence, a shocking 38% of victims were male.

• In 2013, a study published in the JAMA Pediatrics claimed that when “sexual violence” is defined similarly to how the famous campus study framed it—i.e., forced kissing and the like—an astounding 52% of males and 48% of females over age 18 had committed sexual violence at least once in their lives.

• A 2008-2009 CDC report revealed that in American juvenile facilities, more than 95% of staff members who molested incarcerated minors were females.

• A study going all the way back to 1988 claims that 62.7% of men had experienced “unwanted sexual intercourse” in their lives as compared to 46.3% of women.

If you don’t like these statistics, don’t bark at me—bark at the US government and the Journal of the American Medical Association.

The following are all documented incidents of women sexually assaulting men—whether through threats, violence, or merely taking advantage of the poor drunk bastards.

1. GANG RAPE

• A 2012 case in Nigeria involved a businessman being “raped to death” by five of his wives who reportedly became jealous when they found him having sex with his sixth wife. (source)

• Three Zimbwabwean women were arrested in 2011 and charged with forcibly raping multiple male hitchhikers. Police seized “33 condoms containing semen,” which was presumably harvested to be sold on the African black market. One of their many victims reportedly complained that after they raped him, they forced him to “cuddle and talk.” (source1) (source2)

• An Indian rickshaw driver broke his foot in 2011 after jumping from an apartment window where he’d been held by two women—one who raped him, the other who filmed it. (source)

2. WHILE VICTIMS ARE UNCONSCIOUS OR ASLEEP

• In 2013 while pregnant with her third child, Chante Gilman of Seattle entered a sleeping man’s home, pinned his hands down, and mounted him. He awoke and was able to wriggle out from beneath her, but Gilman received a nine-month sentence after pleading to a lesser charge of attempted rape and assault. (source)

• Nineteen-year-old James Landrith was raped by a pregnant female acquaintance during the night while he was passed out from drinking. The next morning he awoke to find her straddling him again. She allegedly threatened him not to resist because it might hurt the fetus inside her. (source)

3. AT GUNPOINT

• Chicago mother of two Cierra Ross was convicted of aggravated criminal sexual abuse after she and a friend asked a 33-year-old pedestrian if he wanted a ride. Once he was inside the car, Ross pulled a gun on him and commanded him to go in the backseat and fuck her friend. (source)

4. AT KNIFEPOINT

• Earlier this year, a woman that one African newspaper described as “Sex Starved” and that another dubbed “Horny” reportedly threatened to stab a man to death if he didn’t consent to fucking her. The latter newspaper says the woman “told the judge that she is a nymphomaniac and when she is on heat [sic] and there is no man to have sex with her, she could go crazy because she loves sex extremely.”

• Two female Maryland teens were sentenced to juvenile facilities for torturing an autistic boy. One video they filmed shows them holding a knife to the boy’s throat. They also encouraged him to expose his genitals and attempted to make him have sex with his family dog. (source)

5. AT SNAKE-POINT

• A South African website details a 2014 case where a woman beseeched a man at roadside to fix her broken-down car. While giving him a lift after he successfully got her car started, she rolled up the windows and pointed toward a “very large brownish grey snake” in the back seat, threatening to set the snake loose on him if he didn’t have sex with her. Rather than be eaten by the snake, he had sex with her and told authorities that she had a dragon tattoo near her navel. (source)

• In a story from Kenya this September, two women ordered a man to have sex with one woman while the other threatened him with both a pistol and a snake. One of the woman also reportedly forced the man to swallow a Viagra tablet before having forcing him to have unprotected sex with both of them. (source)

6. AT CURLING-IRON POINT

• In 2009, a Pennsylvania woman was arrested and charged with deviate sexual intercourse in connection with an incident where she allegedly forced a man to have sex with her while she burned both his ears and genitals with a hot curling iron. (source)

7. INCEST

• Rickesha Burns of Phoenix, AZ was sentenced to 18 years in prison for an incident where she shoved her vibrator so far up her two-year-old son’s rectum that it needed to be surgically removed. (source)

8. STATUTORY RAPE

Behold a gallery of more than 200 mug shots of “Women Arrested for Indecent Behavior With Kids.” And here’s a list of “25 Female Teacher and Student Sex Crime Scandals.” Two of the most highly publicized cases of female teachers seducing their underage male students are that of Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra Lafave.

9. FALSE IMPRISONMENT

In 2009, a Russian hairdresser and karate expert named Olga subdued a man who tried burglarizing her salon. She then allegedly chained him to a radiator “with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra,” making him her sex slave over the next three days before finally releasing him. She was arrested and charged with false imprisonment. (source)

10. DATE RAPE DRUGS

• A Russian woman the press dubbed the “Black Widow” due to her affinity for spiders and horror movies went on trial in 2009 for raping 10 men after allegedly giving them drinks laced with clonidine, which knocked them out for nearly 24 hours. After they became unconscious, she’d manually stimulate them and then tie their genitals with rope to keep them erect while she mounted them. Many of the men experienced “penis trauma” as a result, although one of her victims said he thought the whole experience was “hot” and “great.” (source)

1. DIPHALLIA

AFFECTS: MALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1 per 2.5 million male births

SUMMARY: One man, TWO PENISES! In many cases, it is actually only one penis split along the shaft. But the extremely rare “true diphallia” features anything from two distinct dickie-heads to two fully developed urogenitary tracts.

PHOTO

2. HYPOSPADIAS

AFFECTS: MALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1 per 300 male births

SUMMARY: The urethral meatus (pee-hole) is located anywhere on the penis but where it should be, almost like the hole on a flute.

PHOTO

3. HERMAPHRODITISM

AFFECTS: HARD TO TELL

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE:

“TRUE” VERSION—1 per 83,000 LIVE BIRTHS

“PSEUDO” VERSION—1 per 500 LIVE BIRTHS

SUMMARY: A “true” hermaphrodite’s internal sex organs contain both ovarian and testicular tissue. In some cases, this means a ball on one side and an ovary on the other; in others, it means hybrid beasties known as “ovatestes.” To the naked eye, their external genitals tend to be iffy—maybe it’s a big clit, perhaps it’s a teeny weenie, perchance it’s some unholy peno-vaginal mishmash. Pseudo-hermaphrodites have the chromosomes and internal sex organs of only one gender while their external protuberances are, again, anyone’s guess.

PHOTO

4. KLINEFELTER’S SYNDROME

AFFECTS: MALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1.5 per 1,000 male births

SUMMARY: An extra “X” chromosome or two leads to above-average height, tiny nuts, low testosterone, sub-par intelligence, sterility, and in some cases, embarrassing man-boobs.

PHOTO

5. TURNER SYNDROME

AFFECTS: FEMALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1 per 2,500 female births

SUMMARY: The absence of a crucial “X” chromosome results in average adult heights of 4’7″ , a sad-looking “triangular” face, a short neck that is often webbed, a barren womb, swollen hands, spotted pigmentation, turned-out elbows, and small breasts spaced widely apart with inverted nipples.

PHOTO

6. MICROPENIS

AFFECTS: MALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1 per 165 male births

SUMMARY: The penis is normally shaped and fully functional yet hilariously small. In extremely rare cases—an estimated one in 30 million—there isn’t even the suggestion of a penis.

PHOTO

7. PENILE TORSION

AFFECTS: MALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: Many men have it to some degree; not considered problematic unless penis is off-kilter more than one-eighth of a turn.

SUMMARY: The penis head and/or shaft is twisted like a corkscrew, for some reason almost always in a counterclockwise direction.

PHOTO

8. SCROTAL TRANSPOSITION

AFFECTS: MALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: Common enough that I could find several disgusting photos of it on the Internet, but not so much that I could find a single estimate of its frequency.

SUMMARY: The penis and scrotum switch places. The ball-sac is positioned above the Johnson and resembles elephant ears surrounding the trunk.

PHOTO

9. PERSISTENT CLOACA

AFFECTS: FEMALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1 per 20,000 female births

SUMMARY: The rectum, vagina, and urethra converge into one nauseating, funnel-like drainage hole located somewhere in the “taint” area between the clitoris and buttocks. Poop, pee, and vaginal sludge mingle freely. Corrective surgery is costly, complicated, and risky.

PHOTO

10. DOUBLE VAGINA

AFFECTS: FEMALES ONLY

FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE: 1 per 1,000 female births

SUMMARY: A superfluous fleshy wall divides the vagina like a folding room divider splits an apartment in two. Upon loss of virginity, one section stretches and assumes the role of “dominant” vagina. The other half becomes as cramped as a broom closet and thus infinitely more desirable.

PHOTO

The Greek Orthodox Church has just told Rev. George Passias to go defrock himself.

In October, leaked video clips showed the 67-year-old priest sitting in a motel room wearing only a T-shirt while his longtime mistress repeatedly squashed her ample ass down on a slice of banana bread until it was completely flattened. This odd fetish is known as “cake crush” or “cake sitting.” Another clip showed his Peruvian mistress—who is 22 years his junior and currently five months pregnant with his child—rubbing her feet all over his face as he moans in ecstasy.

Disgraced and defrocked, Passias joins a long, toilet-paper-roll-length list of priests who fell from grace after their private misdeeds were made public.

1. THE DOWNFALL OF “MONSIGNOR METH”

To his Catholic parishioners in Bridgeport, CT, Monsignor Kevin Wallin was a gifted orator and a charismatic leader. But as he grew thinner and his behavior became more erratic, church workers reported that throngs of men were passing through his, er, “rectory” at all hours and that both Wallin and some of his visitors were seen cross-dressing. He was suspended from his public ministry in 2012, whereupon he took residence in a small, seedy apartment and became a full-on meth dealer who bothered neighbors with loud, speed-fueled sex parties. At the time of his arrest he either owned or was in the process of buying an adult toy store which investigators suspect Wallin intended to use as a front for money laundering. Earlier this year he received a five-and-a-half-year prison sentence. (source1) (source2)

2. THE “INJECTION BROTHER” SUSPECTED OF PURPOSELY ADMINISTERING FATAL OVERDOSES TO 37 HANDICAPPED BOYS

Technically the Dutch man known as “Brother Andreas” was only a Catholic brother rather than a fully ordained priest, but his story is so sickening it demands inclusion. According to a report released by a Dutch prosecutor only a few years ago—around sixty years after the alleged abuse and about 15 years after Brother Andreas died—Andreas was known at a halfway house for severely disabled boys as the “Injection Brother” who purposely injected boys with fatal doses of morphine or Phenobarbital in a “death room” designed to “put them out of their suffering.” Boys who were deemed not sufficiently disabled to fall victim to Andreas’s warped euthanasia scheme were reportedly “slammed against walls, choked, and hit in the face with a ring of keys.” When they weren’t being abused, they worked like slaves in a cellar helping to produce light bulbs. (source)

3. THE “BISHOP OF BLING”

Because there’s a new Pope who gives lip service to Marxist wealth redistribution so long as, you know, the Catholic Church isn’t required to pay any taxes or divest itself of the billions and possibly trillions in land and assets it reaped from soaking peasants of their money for 2,000 years, it was a public-relations disaster for the Church when it was revealed that a German bishop named Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst had used a whopping $33 million in church funds to build himself a happy little personal palace. In 2014 the man the press dubbed the “Bishop of Bling” was forced to resign his post due to his shameless extravagance. (source)

4. HIS NAME WAS “ALAN WOODCOCK”

A New Zealand priest named Alan Woodcock was suspected of sexually assaulting a string of boys in the 1970s by “enticing them to his bedroom with cigarettes, pretending friendship and concern.” He was criminally convicted of indecent assault of one 17-year-old boy but only received a suspended sentence. But above all, the most important thing is that his name was “Alan Woodcock.” (source)

5. A PRIEST’S FALL FROM GRACE IS LINKED TO A STUDENT’S FALL TO HIS DEATH

Except for a single allegation in 1986 when he allegedly ran his hand up a male student’s leg, Rev. Henry Krawczyk was never accused of being a sexual predator. Instead, he was more like the lonely old uncle who hangs out with younger guys in a sad quest to appear hip. His MO was usually to provide teenage males at the University of Pittsburgh with alcohol and marijuana merely for the privilege of getting drunk and stoned with them. His world came crashing down on him in 2003 when a teenage football player that Krawczyk had plied with alcohol fell 25 feet through a church ceiling to his death. Krawczyk was arrested and pled guilty to involuntary manslaughter. (source)

6. FORMER TV HOST ACCUSED OF MOLESTING HIS OWN SON

A Franciscan priest who hosted a show called Life on the Rock on a Catholic TV network, Father Francis Mary Stone befriended a woman at the network named Christina Presnell in 1998. Three years later they began having sex, which eventually led to her impregnation. Stone was defrocked, yet his relationship with Presnell didn’t last. As part of a long and ongoing custody dispute over their son, Presnell accused him in court papers of shoving his finger up his infant son’s anus, causing the child to defecate on the bed. Stone was criminally charged in 2013 but his case is ongoing. Still, going from TV host to accused infant-anus-violator is quite the fall from grace. (source)

7. THE ONLY PRIEST IN AMERICAN HISTORY TO BE EXECUTED FOR MURDER

Just a little over 100 years ago, Hans Schmidt—a German-born priest serving in New York—started an affair with an Austrian housekeeper named Anna Aumüller. They were even “married,” although not legally, in a ceremony that Schmidt performed himself. But when he found out she was pregnant, he slashed her throat, chopped her body to pieces, and dumped her remains in the East River. He was fried in the electric chair in 1916 at Sing Sing prison and remains the only priest executed for murder in American history. (source)

8. FONDLED A WOMAN DURING A CROSS-COUNTRY FLIGHT

During a flight from Philly to Los Angeles last year, Father Marcelo De Jesumaria could have easily watched a Disney movie or played FarmVille on his iPad. Instead, he groped a woman’s “breast, groin, and buttocks” and was found guilty of abusive sexual conduct during a trial. (source)

9. MURDERED BY AN INMATE WHO HATED PEDOPHILES

One of the numerous priests arrested and convicted of sex crimes against children in the Boston Archdiocese about a dozen years ago, John J. Geoghan’s case was remarkable for the sheer number of times the Catholic Church hurriedly moved him to a new location every time new allegations of child abuse emerged. He fondled boys from the mid-1950s all the way up until a 1991 criminal conviction for groping a boy’s buttocks in a swimming pool. After being sent to prison, it was Geoghan’s fate to be celled up with a lifer convict who had a murderous animus toward pedophiles. Geoghan was strangled and stomped to death in his cell. (source)

10. THE ASSHOLE PRIEST WHO DELIVERED A NASTY SERMON AT MY DAD’S FUNERAL

The Reverend Richard G. Jones was a religion teacher at my Catholic high school in Pennsylvania. For reasons known only to him and his God, Jones delivered an acutely nasty sermon at my father’s funeral. He prattled on for at least ten minutes about what a despicable asshole my father had been. None of this is to imply my father was a saint, but for fuck’s sake, there was no need to kick him while he was ready to be planted in the ground. So it is with a glorious sense of vengeance and comeuppance that I announce he was eventually defrocked as the result of a lawsuit accusing him of fondling, raping, and sodomizing a teenage boy over the course of three years. (source)

1. AARDVARKING…fucking an ex-lover due to boredom or lack of other opportunities

2. ABSPRITZEN…to ejaculate (German)

3. AGONY…sexual bliss (Jamaican)

4. APPLE DUMPLIN’ SHOP…boobs (archaic English)

5. ARBOR VITAE…penis (archaic English)

6. BAGPIPING…fucking a man in the armpit (19th-Century British)

7. BAWBELS…testicles (archaic English)

8. BEAR CLAW…gigantic pussy lips

9. BEARD SPLITTER…stud (archaic English)

10. BEAT DAT FACE…to fuck and/or receive oral sex (Jamaican)

11. BESCHNITTEN…circumcised (German)

12. BIT OF RASPBERRY…sexy woman (British)

13. BLANKET HORNPIPE…sexual intercourse (archaic English)

14. BLOW THE GROUNSILS…sexual intercourse (archaic English)

15. BOB TAIL…slutty woman or impotent man (archaic English)

16. BOG QUEEN…gay man who cruises public toilets for sex

17. BONE SMUGGLER…gay man

18. BRONCO…male youth who is extremely vigorous during sex

19. BUMBO…vagina (archaic black British)

20. BUSHEL BUBBY…big-breasted woman (archaic English)

21. BUTTERED BUN…having sex with a woman who has just had sex with another man gives you a “buttered bun” (archaic English)

22. CASABAS…breasts

23. CAPTAIN IS AT HOME, THE…I’m menstruating

24. CAR WASH…blowjob (Canadian)

25. CHANGE THE OIL…fuck

26. CHICK-A-BIDDY…young slut (archaic English)

27. CUNNY-HAUNTED…pussy hound (archaic English)

28. COCK WAGON…a car designed to impress women

29. CLEANING UP THE KITCHEN…licking an anus before fucking it

30. CLEANING ONE’S RIFLE….male masturbation

31. CRINKUMS…gonorrhea (archaic English)

32. CULO…ass (Spanish)

33. DAISY CHAIN…three or more people simultaneously connected by oral sex

34. DEALYBOB…clitoris

35. DILLY-BOY…male prostitute (British, 1930s)

36. DOCK…to fuck

37. DOLLYMOPPER…stud (British, 1800s)

38. DOODLE SACK…vagina (archaic English)

39. DUNG-PUNCHER…gay man (Australian 1960s)

40. DUTCH BOY…a gay man who hangs out with lesbians

41. EINSTEIN…pubic hair

42. ETCH-A-SKETCH…playing with a woman’s nipples

43. FLIT…gay man

44. FLYCATCHER…vagina

45. FONDLING THE FIG…female masturbation

46. FRENCHIFIED…infected with an STD (archaic English)

47. FROGSKIN…condom (1920s Australia)

48. FUSTY LUGGS…a disgusting slut (archaic English)

49. FUZZ BUMPER…lesbian

50. GLAMITY…vagina (Jamaican)

51. GOLDEN WINNEBAGOS…breasts

52. GRINDSMAN…stud (Jamaican)

53. GUBB…semen

54. GUNCH…to fellate

55. GWARRY…vagina (South African)

56. HASBIAN…ex-lesbian

57. HEDGE WHORE…a prostitute who will fuck you anywhere (archaic English)

58. HOUSE OF COMMONS…prostitute’s vagina

59. HYMIE…anus

60. INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT…orgasm
61. JAGS…horny (South African)

62. KAZOO…ass

63. KNISH…vagina (Yiddish)

64. LACE CURTAINS…foreskin

65. LEATHER CHEERIO…anus

66. LESBRO…a male who hangs out with lesbians

67. LOOP-DE-LOOP…simultaneous mutual oral sex; 69

68. MANTHRAX…semen

69. MEAT AND POTATOES…penis and testicles

70. MR. MENTION…stud (Jamaican)

71. NARROW AT THE EQUATOR…has a tiny penis

72. NASH…vagina (Jamaican)

73. NULL THE VOID…masturbate

74. NUTMEGS…testicles

75. PEBBLES…a sexually active underaged female

76. PEPPERED…infected with STDs (archaic English)

77. PINEAPPLE…a male’s package

78. PLAYING CANASTA…eyeballing the crotches of passersby

79. PROUD…horny (archaic English)

80. PUMPKIN EATER…pedophile

81. PUM-PUM…vagina (Jamaican)

82. PUNTERS…porn addicts; johns (British)

83. ROLFING THE PIGLET…male masturbation

84. SCHMECKEL…penis (Yiddish)

85. SCROGGING…fucking (archaic English)

86. SHAKING HANDS WITH THE UNEMPLOYED…masturbating

87. SHEMPING THE HOG…male masturbation

88. SLAUGHTERHOUSE…a singles bar that reeks of desperation

89. STRAW…a woman skilled at sex; a female who’s good “in the straw” (archaic English)

90. STROKE THE BLOKE…masturbate

91. TATERS…breasts

92. TOPCOAT…condom

93. TUNTI…vagina (Jamaican)

94. VAGITARIAN…lesbian

95. WAGTAIL…a slut (archaic English)

96. WAY DOWN SOUTH IN DIXIE, TO GO…to fellate

97. WESTERN PATIO…flat ass

98. WHORE PIPE…penis

99. WICKET…vagina (medieval English)

100. WINKTEPI…male butt-sex (Lakota Indian)

The first day of winter is creeping up like the Grim Reaper. Due to that cruel season’s merciless dearth of sunlight and warmth, I curse every dark and barren day until the first blossom appears sometime late in March. For me winter is an annual ritual of emotional hibernation and grim resignation.

But though I suffer an emotional death every winter, many people suffer literal death due to the meteorological calamities caused by our hemisphere’s yearly phase of brattily turning away from the sun and staring into deep dark frozen space. Freezing temperatures and ice and snow can literally kill you. Here are fourteen ways that Old Man Winter can render you a frozen stiff.

1. AVALANCHES

Having your ribcage and skull crushed into a bloody snow cone by a downhill frozen tsunami has to be one of the most terrifying ways to die, especially those last few seconds as you see the giant wall of snow careening downward to bury you.

The deadliest avalanche in history happened in Peru in 1970. After an offshore earthquake, a massive slab of glacial ice was dislodged from the top of Mount Huascarán. As it hurtled down the mountain for nearly 11 miles, gaining snow and mud and rock with it at speeds estimated at anywhere from 100 to 600MPH, it built into a fearsome, life-snuffing chunk of death that killed an estimated 20,000 people in and around the mountain town of Yungay. Only 92 people survived.

In February 1910, the deadliest avalanche in American history occurred in Washington State. Ninety-six people perished under the frozen weight of what became known as the “Wellington Disaster.” A survivor named Charles Andrews describes what he saw:

White Death moving down the mountainside above the trains. Relentlessly it advanced, exploding, roaring, rumbling, grinding, snapping – a crescendo of sound that might have been the crashing of ten thousand freight trains. It descended to the ledge where the side tracks lay, picked up cars and equipment as though they were so many snow-draped toys, and swallowing them up, disappeared like a white, broad monster into the ravine below.

2. SNOWBALL FIGHTS

Few pleasures in life are as innocently joyous as a snowball fight among friends as special snowflakes fall silently on a crisp winter’s night.

What can really ruin the mood, though, is when a snowball fight turns to murder.

In Turkey earlier this year, a journalist was stabbed to death by a storekeeper who became enraged when an errant snowball hit his store window. According to friends, the journalist’s last words were, “Please let this be a dream!”

In Buffalo, NY in 1998, a snowball fight between two 13-year-old boys one day led to a brutal fistfight the next day that ended in one boy dying from a brain hemorrhage.

In Philadelphia ten years before that, a snowball thrown at a passing car led to a 17-year-old boy’s fatal stabbing.

Perhaps the most tragic case of death-by-snowball didn’t involve a fight at all—it was 1973 when a group of teens in Spokane, WA, pelted a 56-year-old handicapped man with snowballs. He fell and died of a heart attack while scuttling over snow with his cane trying to escape their onslaught.

3. A GIANT MANMADE BALL HURTLING DOWN A MOUNTAINSIDE

If you think it sounds insane to strap yourself inside a giant transparent ball and have someone roll you down a mountainside, so do I. In Russia, these inflatable death traps are known as “zorbs.” In 2013, two men strapped inside a zorb went rolling down a track on a mountain in the North Caucasus, only to hit a bump, roll off the designated track, and plummet rapidly down the mountainside. One man died; the other describes “flying in freefall” and seeing the raw “fear” in his friend’s eyes before “everything went black.”

4. A 500-POUND ROLLING SNOWBALL

In February of 2005, a 10-year-old Scottish boy was crushed to death by a quarter-ton snowball that slammed into him while rolling down a hill. “It just shows how an apparently harmless, innocent, fun-filled activity can end in tragedy,” said a government spokesman.

5. AN ICE-SKATING BEAR

A five-year-old ice-skating bear trained to perform in a Russian state circus company attacked two circus hands in 2009, viciously mauling one and killing the other by dragging him across the ice by his neck.

6. SKIING AND SNOWBOARDING

An estimated 50 skiing and snowboarding-related deaths occur annually in the USA. Easily the most infamous and tear-jerking skiing death in world history was that of the multitalented and unfathomably handsome Sonny Bono, who mentored Cher into superstardom before she unceremoniously dumped his ass. Bono was skiing near Lake Tahoe in January 1998 when he slammed straight into a tree and died from injuries caused by the impact.

There are dozens of snowboard-related deaths chronicled here and here. The latter link describes the tragic case in December 2010 where a 23-year-old male snowboarder in Wyoming crashed into a five-year-old girl and they both died.

7. FALLING ICE

The first known case of death-by-icicle happened in England in 1776 when a giant icicle fell and fatally fractured a boy’s skull. His epitaph reads in part:

Here he lies
In a Sad Pickle
Kill’d by an Icicle.

A Michigan police officer was decapitated in 1903 when a giant icicle fell on him. In 1994, a man in Chicago was killed after a giant ice chunk described as “microwave-size” fell off a Neiman Marcus building onto his head. (source)

8. FALLING THROUGH ICE

Every winter in America’s frozen zones brings another story like the ones of a six-year-old boy who died after falling through lake ice and being trapped alive under ice for a half-hour, a mother and son who both fell through ice and died after the mother attempted to save her son, and a woman and her dog who both died after the woman tried saving her dog. If you aren’t sure that a lake or pond is frozen enough so that the ice can withstand the weight of an elephant, it’s wisest to stay on terra firma.

9. SNOWMOBILES

While marketed as glorified Santa sleighs, snowmobiles are fearsome death machines that rampage over ice and snow with the unforgiving force of an electric buffalo, killing around 200 North Americans every year. The most high-profile snowmobile death was that of Caleb Moore during the 2013 Winter X Games in Colorado. While Moore was attempting a back flip, his snowmobile’s skis got caught on the ground. He flipped over, then the snowmobile flipped right onto him. He died of heart-related problems en route to the hospital. You can see the accident that caused his death here:

10. SKI BASE JUMPING

Since I’m afflicted with a morbid fear of heights that only worsens with each passing year, I feel that BASE jumping of any kind is insane and borderline suicidal. In 2009 amidst the Dolomite Mountains of northern Italy, pro skier Shane McConkey—described as “the Michael Jordan of skiing”—ski-jumped off a 2,000-foot cliff while cameras were filming. To make a safe landing while BASE jumping on skis, one is supposed to discard both skis while in mid-air. One of McConkey’s skis failed to come off, which had him spiraling out of control and made him unable to deploy his parachute.

11. LUGES

During test runs for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Canada, Nodar Kumaritashvili of the nation of Georgia rounded a turn at 89MPH and went flying off the track to his death. It became the first luge fatality since 1975. Here is footage of his death:

12. TOBOGGANS

Whether it’s a British or Australian man running into a tree, an eleven-year-old boy accidentally smacking his head on a post next to the track, an eleven-year-old boy dying of catastrophic brain damage at an Austrian ski resort, or an English girl smashing into a barbed-wire fence at 50MPH, the message is clear—toboggans can kill you.

13. FREEZING TO DEATH

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, freezing winter temperatures kill twice as many people in America as sweltering summer heat waves—nearly 1,300 people die yearly due to cold-weather exposure. That’s about triple the number of Americans that have died this year from mass shootings. This gruesome tally will hopefully abate once global warming finally kicks into full gear.

14. ICY ROADS

Icy roads—particularly “black ice,” which is actually thin and transparent and therefore appears almost invisible on black asphalt—lead to around 467 highway fatalities in America annually.

1.

“It’s heading right for me…Goodbye Mama”

These were the two final messages sent by Arkansas teen Jeffrey Hunter to his mother this past April as a tornado was approaching and eventually killed him.

2.

“Enjoy your life without us now…He’s dead…And soon I will be too”

Tony Moreno sent these three final texts to his ex Adrianne Oyola before Moreno threw their seven-month-old son Aaden off a bridge and into the Connecticut River this past July. Moreno then jumped in the water himself. He survived and was charged with murder.

3.

“OMG… I think I’m being kidnapped”

Fourteen-year-old Michigan girl April Millsap sent this text to her boyfriend while walking along a trail with her dog one night in July 2014. A few hours later, her corpse was found in a drainage ditch. Her dog was found guarding her body.

4.

“I’m in a plane out of control and it’s going down.”

This was the last message ever pecked out by multi-millionaire Muhammad Naviede in August 2014. Naviede claimed to have received multiple death threats in the weeks prior to that fateful day when his Piper Tomahawk plane crashed in a field, killing him.

5.

“Please make it quick”

This was the last of several panicked text messages sent from a Filipina named Louise Amantillo while she was pinned beneath rubble after a 2011 New Zealand earthquake. Other messages included, “Mommy, I got buried” and “Mommy, I can’t move my right hand.” Her body was never recovered.

6.

“Third time lucky”

Twenty-two-year old model Jasmine Mitchell of London had failed in two prior suicide attempts. She sent that final text to her boyfriend before fatally hanging herself in May.

7.

“I think I am going to die.. I’m so scared”

A 21-year-old bulimic Welsh student named Eloise Parry sent that text to her college lecturer this past July after she’d downed at least eight diet pills containing a toxic pesticide. She died of an overdose.

8.

“Okay. You can do this.”

Over the course of at least a week during the summer of 2014, seventeen-year-old Michelle Carter of Massachusetts continually urged her friend Conrad Henri Roy III to kill himself via carbon-monoxide poisoning. Other texts she sent to Roy included “Everyone will be sad for a while but they will get over it and move on” and “You just need to do it, Conrad…No more pushing it off. No more waiting.” After her final message on July 12, Roy killed himself in his truck via carbon-monoxide poisoning. Carter was arrested and charged with involuntary manslaughter.

9.

“Yeah I just seriously don’t know what to do about him. You know how he is. I care about him but I’m so sick of the fighting and him telling me what I can and can’t do.…I’m devastated…I need my BFF baby love.”

This is the final text Bobbi Kristina Brown sent to her female “BFF” before she was found floating in a bathtub this past January. The “he” in question was her boyfriend Nick Gordon. Bobbi died in July at age 22.

10.

“I needed to do this tho … I wasn’t happy. And I need my crew with me too. I’m sorry. I love you.”

Fifteen-year-old Jaylen Fryberg texted this final message to his family members on October 24, 2014 before shooting four high-school classmates to death and killing himself.

11.

“ACTIVE SHOOTER”

When Marine Corporal Squire “Skip” Wells texted this to his girlfriend in July, she thought he was just being “weird.” But after he failed to respond to repeated messages, she learned to her horror that he was one of four Marines gunned down in Chattanooga during what was suspected to have been a jihadist attack by gunman Muhammad Youssef Abdulazeez.

12.

“Mom, if I make it home, I need you. I’m scared”

This is the last message Tiffany Keppner of Warren, OH received from her daughter Alesha Bell on the morning of July 25 this year. Less than a month later, Bell’s bones were found in a backyard fire pit around 40 miles from where she lived.

13.

“I Love U Guys”

John Michael Keyes of Colorado had never sent a text message before the day in October 2006 when he messaged his 16-year-old daughter Emily “R u Ok?” while she was trapped inside her high school during a hostage situation. Emily texted back before the gunman shot her to death and then killed himself.

14.

“The boys are dead and so am I”

In November 2014, Rob Deane of Nevada texted his estranged wife that message before killing himself and their two sons with shots to the head from a silver revolver.

15.

“JUS RELAX AND CALM DOWN”

This was the last of several highly unsettling text messages sent from Rhode Islander Michael Patino in 2009 to his girlfriend Trisha Oliver. The messages involved the fact that Patino had beaten Oliver’s six-year-old son Marco so brutally that he eventually died. Other messages included “I PUNCH DAT LIL BITCH 3 TIMES AND DAT WAS IT. DA HARDEST 1 WAS ON HIS STOMACH CUZ HE MOVED BUT LET HIM BE A MAN NOT A BITCH LIKE YOU” and ” I HIT HIM DA SAME WAY EVERY1 BUT ITS DAT HE MOVED AND I HIT HIM BAD.”

16.

“OK we’re ready”

This message was recovered from a throwaway phone found outside the Bataclan music venue in Paris that was the focal point of last month’s terror attacks that killed at least 130. A counter-terrorism official suspects the phone belonged to one of the assailants.